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PS 635 
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riJfflOD DICK, 

A ROAD-A(IENT ! 



A DRA^MA OF THIS GOLD MINES. 



BY 



EDWARD L. WHEELER. 



Eiitei-fd according to Act of Congress, in tlit^ year 1880, by 

EDWARD L. WIIFJEI.ER. 

In the Office oftlie Librarian of Congress, at Washington, 

D. C. All rights reserved- 






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AVOGA, N. Y., 
PUBLISHER. 



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WARXING: — Any parties producing before the public, or Managers 
allowing to be i)roduced, the above play, or any of its contents, will be 
prooecntcd to the full extent of the law, regarding copyrights. 



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..P92-oo-r5'^-' 



f%^ 



^^^'^^'^ 



CHARACTERS : 



])KAn\VO<)r) IH'MC, •,< ro;id .i-.'ut i 
C\r,.i ^U^Y' -l V^V:, t il.rl-.;> ' -t • 
COL. YASlv Y17IM,ii Yt.nk z^' >\vu 
y.llr^. N'.VNCIO riJKAvH Vin.'.-irtr 
OOVHIlNOll CVS i'l.RTOX, ikhclic: 
FLKTCHFJl F VliLlCV. u htnivy vil! 
(iliAVEYAlU) (tL:0!1(:JE, a Ix^vlKm- 
EIMIEL CASTLfOrON, tii- lion-^s-^. 
EUWIN J50OT1I SNOWKA n;K. ^. . 
PATSY :.ni!.Ll(zAX, -I l>;if-KvUrr. 
rUETZKL PETE, iiruviric^oi- ..f tli. 
FKEI> OASTJ^ETON', :i ii)i'u; ovvtiei' 
JU1)CtEL\N(H, a.Slicriir. 
CAP, CUri'miOAT, ;t r.>l)i)nr. 
LIEUT. BUEE/.E. 



Jim .Mish.^r, Old l?av,!r\v')0:if:, 0\'\ Avalaiiiihi', r^:tin Stumper, Judc R:in2;s, 
Tim..thv8.;ra-.^^:>n.l -lohii il.'lty. 



GENERAL COSTUMES :~F I UST : 

For tlie Opoiuiig Soon.e each man shall bo atri;-.-.:! v.\ half-misk, slouch 

plumed hat, pimietl up at loft side, top !)r).)ts.ti.ai;hiiig to or aDove 

knee, (lurk coat, vesi; and >)ants, cii.'Lisfc i^i bio:; le.ijs, belt 

around waist ooataiiiiug knifo u.id revolver.s, large size. 

SECOND : 

The other scenes to be costumed i;i charactoi", .<is follows : 

SPECIAL COSTUMES: 

DEADWOOD DICK : -Pateut-Ieathor top-boots ; white duck pants, 
vest aad corduro3' jacket ; white vvoo!e;i shirt oyeu' at throat, bi-oad 
brim sloacli h;it, piihied up at left side aiid plnmed. Hair must be Jofig 
down Oil shoulders, Bulf.lo Bill style : black eariiug mastache and Jip 
or half .ijoatee. W.sapo.is— iw) piir of large six-shooters and huiit- 
ing knife ; also a lighfsporting iislc. 

CALAMITY JAJTE :— Arranged. 

COL. YUBA:- " 

NANCE YUSxV:—Ty.tte red call 03 dress, shout-.. in front, showing- her 
•'bloomers," long trail heiiind ; coarse shoes ; old red sh;\wl ; " friglij;". 
or reddi'sli feniaTe wig ; old fashioued umbrella, minus covering;' sky 
scraper boimct ; cow hide whip. 

GOVESNOR CASTLETOir :— Dress suit, (white vest) of stylish cut; 
silk hat ; caue, mixed gray hair, heavy gray mustache, counecting across 
Cheek with side whiskers. 



FLETCHEU FARLEY :—Lons-halre<l wj?, black i^ustaehe ; blue shii-t 
open at throat ; belt containiug a uuinber of revolvers, dnrk trowsern, 
thrust in stoga boots. 

GiiA-VEYAUD Gko. :— Stoga boots.i'ough suit with bolfc and weapons; t 
long Iiaired black wig; heavy, long black mustache and goatee; j' 
slouch hat, etc . 

PiiETZEL Petk: — Dutch coniedv suit, with immense belly; wooden 
shoes; belt witl; big horse i)istol; Dutch wig.; false hooked nos(> 
with red end ; large sized eye-glasses ; Dutch cap. 

Patsy Mulligan:— Trisli shiilalfli; old suit; battered plug hnt; 
whiskers under chin ; Irish wig. 

E. B. Snowuaniv:— Burlesfj^ue song and dance slioes witli long boot 
le;;s attached; 'tight' striped trowsers; yellow vest witli belt con- 
taining knife; swallow-tail coat buttoned tight round waist; lialf 
of a rarged duster divided through back; immense stantlup col- 
hu-; old plug liaL minus the crowji. JJanjo slung to his !):ick; 
camp stool hung to his hip, 

Ethel Castleton:— Short walking skirt, stockings and slippers, 
sliawl, jaunty hat, etc. 

Judge Lynch:— Common suit, top boots, weapons, sandy wig. 
mustache and goatee; sloucli hat; handcuffs. 



LiEiT. BreKze:— (See first gen'l costumes) mustache, black. 

Fia:i) Castleton:— " " " " light, :ind im- 

perial and gr;iy beard. 

AD. LIB. CUAHAUTEUS. 

In addition to lirst general costumes, must have rough suits.sloga 
boots, old hats, full beards, etc. 



XoricE: — Eich performer must have a trunk of suiricient size to 
:arry ;ill hi.s c)wu wardrobe and properties, as there will be no prop- 
rty box, owing to groat similarity of elfects. MANiLGEU. 



STAGi3 DIRECTIONS. 

Perfanjier supijosed to be facing the footlights. 

1 K. E., rirst Right Entrance. I 1 L. E., First Left Entrance. 

2 K. E., Second " '* | 2 L. E., Second " 

3 K. E., Third " " j 3 l. e.. Third " 

R. c. E., Right of Centre " | l. c. e., Left of Centre " 
C. E.,. .. .Centre Entrance. 



DRAMA OF DEADWOOD DICK. 



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ACT I.— "Dsadwood Gulch.* 



Scene I: — Curtain Rises, disclosing the gulch; road-agents engaged 
in dancing. Lieut. Breeze stawling off by I l e looking on; road- 
agents dance 5 minutes; Breeze throws up left hand. 

BuEEZE. Hold! Enough of your revels, till tho c:ipt:iiii comes. T 
heard his voice but a moaient ago in the mountains, and lie will 
soon be Itero. Ah! I told 3'ou so; listen — his voice — and he is sing- 
iiig', too. 

D. Dick (heard in the distajice) 

Dashinj? along tnrongii the valley aufi vale. 
From the early ilawu till tke day grows pale; 
Into the pockets strewn witk flowers, 
Into the woodland's shady hewers; 
.Stopping anon by the bahhliug streams. 
Then darting on into rocky seaiHs; 
Free as the eagle in its fligfet. 
Cheerful in darkness, liapi-y in light: 
Hail to the life of the seout"gay and free. 
Such is the life that is suiting "to me. 

Chorus, by the 110 ad-agents : 

Away! away! o'er the raountains gay. 
From the early dawn, till the close of day; 
A hand of lawless brethren free, 
A jolly band of pilgrims, we. 

CALA5IITV (heard singing second verse, in distance.) 

Oft in the thickest of the fight. 
Racing the gauntlet in the night; 
Taming with spur the buckin cayuse. 
Profiting well by the storm's abuse; 
Paying one's way — taking no slack, 
Jiiting cold lead and sending it back; 
Free from care, constraint and woe, 
Ever alert to grapple foe; 
Ilail to the life of the ranger free. 
Such is the life ihat is suiting to me. 

Chorus by co. While singing koad-agents /or;» to either side of 
stage, face each other, folding left arm across breast and raising their 
hats. 



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4 DEADWOOD I>1CK 

Ehiter Deadwood Dick 3 l. e., arul Calamity 3 k. e. Pick 
takes Calamity by lumd, then doffs hat to his men. 

Bkekzk (slandhiy off 1 i.. E.; Now, boys, givo him u welccnut . 
Throe cheiTs fur our linive and foirloss lenihr—hip! hip! Ijurniht 

KoAD-AOENTSjom ill thf ihcer^ 

D. Dick (standiny back c, with Cai-amity) Thanks, my gallnnt 
followors.for this thf .--aiue «)Ul \vt'l<-ouu' that gre«ts nif, on my every 
nturn. You may scfk y^ur (.avi rn. now. for two of your compan- 
ions have letuninl with :»s hanil^omc a pair cf hui ks as the mount- 
ains atibnl. You. loo, may go. Jjieuteiiant. to nturn in a few mo- 
ments, vvh( n I linvc something to inft»rm you of. 

Exit BuKEZE imd 1U)AD- AGENTS K. and L. E. 

l)icK (leadiny C ai.amvt\ fonvard to a rocky scat, near 1 u. e j And, 
m»w, my pretty Miss (Jal.amity. may I ask wluit brings you hire to 
my eagle's nest— you, wliom the peopU- of Deadwood will miss, jis a 
departeil ray of sunshine. 

Calamity. No djmg( r of that, Deadwood Di(k. Hat Iia! ha! 
I 11 bel lljere's mor«' as tries t(» miss me than tlu-re is what don't. I 
tell you I'm gettin' to be a had \ ill fer ftwis ter .swaller. 

Dick (xnMiny her on the shoulder) liut, nevertheless, a l)rave girl, 
CalaniilN . liuitid. it lias always been a matte)- of wonder to me, 
how you suiret'd in living there in that cursed town of Deadwood, 
and lighting oil' thr swarm ul human sharks who ev> r prey ui)on 
the Weak ami uiiproUrU'il. 

Cal. (Risiit'j (ind fid- in;/ hhn by thi: ann) (quizzlngly) So it puz- 
zles you dots il? It togs you to know iiow a liltie piece of iiumanity 
kteps out of a iifc ol disgr.-icc and temptation, Vause she ain't got no 
l)ig l)rotli(r to back hcr!^ Well — well- tiiey do talk about me, Dick, 
and say tilings that would make :i niulr biush— tlicm wliat liain't 
got any resp« ct fi i" nolHMh . Hut it don't hurt mc Oli! no! I s'peet 
they talk bec.iuse wiien 1 struck I)cadwood il was in breeches I 
saifed in to l)ecome a citiz- n. an' tiiar's them'll acknowledge I got 
thar, too. I hoi)c you tiont li'iievc I'm IkuI, l)ecause I ilress like a 
boy, Dick. 

Dick f/K'tr^i/?/; All! no. C.il.-imity— far from it From our first 
meeting I liave always bclicve«l you a brave uoble girl, pure even in 
your wild, reckless existence. 

Cal. (intensely) Heeaus(> you knew not u\\ past life. Siiall I tell 
you? Aye! I am in a mood iov confidence. You, 1 can trust, who 
lias ever been as a l)rother to me. It isn't a long story either, but 



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DEADWOOD DICK 5 

oh! bitterness rises with its narration. Put it in a few In-icf cliap- 
ters. First: A young girl becomes fascinated witit a tourist, and is 
courted and aslved to marry. She seeks iier parent's (-(nisent — tliey 
refuse. Secoirl: A secret marriage follows then deserticjn by tlie 
tourist — discovery tiiat tiie marriage is a sham, botli by tlie victim 
and her parents. Tiiird: Tlie victim is (h-iven fi-om hi-r homi' onto 
the world, followed by a parental cufse. rihe adopts a male cos- 
tume, and wanders into tlie wiM lif ■ of the mines, in searcli of her 
betrayer. That is the history of Calamiiy -Jane in a nutsiiell. I 
have grown wild and untamed, since tiifn, hut (iod helping me, I 
have preserved what honor my destroyer leit me. You womler how 
I protect myself, then. I can easy eX; lain 1 lirst sla') the one in 
the moutii, wlio insults or slanders me^rh n, if that don't have the 
desired ettect of mending i.is ways, I tirr.w ;i revolver, and pop away 
at liim till lie's got enougli. One dose is g'Mier.illy enough to etiect 
a cure. 

Dick. Yes, my brave girl; especially wlien tlie dose is adminis- 
tered by a liand as steady as 3'onrs. But \'ou have not told me yet 
what brings you here — here in this mountain traj). which the Deac"- 
wood autiiorities would pay a handsome sum to discover? 

Cal. What should bring me here to be s u- >, 'xcf^pt a desire and 
a will to warn vou of impending danger. l)k-,x (iiiiprcs.iivih/) they 
are growing strong against yt)U. down in the tt>\vn. i'lieiu ;is pur- 
tends to boss the j)lace are swearin' bl.aek an' lilu ■ at you. because 
you toll tlie stages, and yet evade them. 

Dick (laughing Iwirsely) Let 'em swear. They must long ere this 
have discovered that no fear exists in the heart of Deadwo hI Dick 
for them, nor even a sliadow of respect. I uwj tiie people of Dead- 
wood notiiing Calamity, except a just spirit of eiMuity. Over two 
years ago, I came to this country, a peaceful miner. I staked out 
my claim, but they drove me from it, because I was alone and un- 
protected. Not despairing, f Ijought nie another claim but they 
also drove me from tliat. i'hen, smarting under tiie injustice done 
me, I registered an oath tiiat tlie golden guKhes that iiad known me 
as a peaceful weak-hanileil miner, siiould know me as a pt)vverful 
adversary — tiiat tlie pecjple wlio reaped tlie proiits from the claims 
that were legally mine, shoul; pay me a r.venue. 1 rallied aroUuu 
me a few sympathizing fellows a.s brave as lions and true as steel, 
and organized tlie band that subsequently l)ee;iiiie notorious as 
Deadwood Dick's road-agenls. We matle it our business to toil tlie 
treasure-box and.pocket-books of every stage that left Deadwood 
Gulch, bearing awav my rightful gold. Of i-ourse the people rose 
against us, and liunled us, but to no avail. Capture i.s they couid 
not. We were invincible, so far as safety was cone, rned I finally 
grew tired of the life, and posted placards throughout the mining 
country, offering to suspend Iiostillties if my claims be restored to 



6 DEADWOOD DICK 

me. and my freedom nnd right be established as a citizt'ii again. 
You probably have hoard the result. They sent out a tlag of truce, 
and accepted my terms, on condition that we march into town, and 
throw down our arms. We did so, when we were instantly sur- 
rounded and an attempt wms made to mnke us prisoners. After a 
desperate resistance wc succeed" d in figliting them off, and made 
our escape— a mere h:indful only, full half of our i.umber having 
died in defense of their rights Since tlien, we have kept pretty 
closely to our retreat, in dctiance of tlie determined efforts that have 
been made to secure our ciiplure. We are no longer road-agents, 
for I have given ordci-s llnit no stage or stager be inole.«ted. In our 
niountiiin home, here we have struck i)ayiiig dirt, and if we are not 
molested, our notorii ty will be a thing oi the past. If however they 
still persist in l)iting a"t us, lliey c.-m but .-easonably expect that we 
shall bite back. 

C.\L. {cnthstastically shippini/ kin on shoulder) Bully fer you.Doiuiwooil 
Dick— bully (or yoi.. Oh! tli:it I was a in:in, so I could sail right iii and 
lick blazes out of every sa'^'^t \\ ht> votes agaiust you. You just l)et your 
ducats I'd make 'em thi .k old (Gabriel had arrived. But I hiiven't told 
you yet, why I came Ikto, to-d.iy. A new pilgrim has just sailed hiter 
Dead'wood — "an old galoot, uiiu'' yo'i, with white hair and mustache an' 
side whiskers, an' he's ilresseil up like a nabob, too. 

DICK. Ah I some eastt^ru speculator, probably ? 

CAL. {shainy her heal) Nixy. Jest you chalk it dowu he's a shark, an' 
ye want to look out for him for he's after you. 

DICK, {in surprise). After me, say you y 

CAL. Bet yer nuggets he is. He just waltzed right into tlic Bung- 
hole saloon, to-d,iy, a;' stuck up a paper ottering !ive huiulred dollars 
for the capture of of Deuifwood Dick, dead or alive — that's what he did. 

DICK, (grimly). Aha! So ther's another foe in the field, eh? Well, 
■well, let 'em «oine —let 'em come. They'll all keep fooling around, until 
there'H be u demand for more lots in the Deadwood cemetry. I've about 
made my mind tliiit it's time lor me to turn pedagogue, and teach 'em 
thai even though outlawed and cursed and hunted by my fellowmen, I 
can yet add to my notoriety !>y learning my enemies a deadly lesson — a 
chapter as it were in their existence — printed in blood. Forbearance they 
say is a virtue, but to be houiuled to the death, does not merit forbear- 
ance. Tell me Calamity, who is this stranger, who puts a price again up- 
on the head of Deadwood Dick 'i 

CAL. He chalked down his name on the hotel register, as Governor 
Ira Castleton, of New York? 

DICK, {thoughtfully). Castleton? Castleton? I do not think I know 
him. Y'et, 'tis strange he should desire my capture! if a total stranger. 
I must investigate this matter, at once {calls) Lieut. 



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DEADWOOD DICK 7 

(J5:«/cr BREEZE 21.. E.) 

BREEZE, {doffing hut) Yes, Osiptuiii — at your coininaml. 

DICK. Breeze, yon may order my horse douljly fed, for I liiive an- 
other ride to make soon. Also, order the men to brush up their weapons, 
and stand ready for orders at any hour. Go, now, and on your way, or- 
der the eook to prepare meals for two. {Exit BREEZE) Now, then, 
{turning to CALAMITY) my friend, you must dine with me, ere you. re- 
turn to town : and, by tlie way, it may be the last time, for I am going 
down to Deadwood, to teaeh the dogs a lesson, who would bite at the 
heels of a hurricane. 

CAL. {_anxiously'] Oh 1 Dick, do not go ! Tiiey are a whole populace to 
your one, and they will kill you. 

DICK. [_bitterly'\ Let them kill. Better to die in battle, than to forever 
endure the misery of being hunted at, every tarii. Come. 

[Exit both, 1 L. E. Ehter SNOVf BANK 1 K. E.] 

SNOWBANK, [pausing, looking first at auJience ; then off 1 L. E ] 
"Well, now, jes' you'bress (.Ms yar chile's perhivial systematic daphragm, 
an' convert 'em into a box of rubber chewin' gum, ef he knows w'ich 
way he's a gwine. Hello! wonder who's (k-ui ar" [)eople a gwineoif yon- 
der. Hope me nebber see de top of dis yar chile's r icoanut, if dar aint 
two humans — de bery first humans vvirl Uv; K\-- d it ilis nigger's seen fo' 
a hull week, suah ! 'opect (.lat's some lov.- struck Julio an' Komiet, out 
a star gazin'. Yas, wonder whar I is ? ^V.)nder if I get to nowhar if I'se 
keep right on trampin' [walks around and. inspects things]. 'Spect dis yar 
orphant might as well gib it up as a bad jui). Seventeen hull hours hab 
dis noble disciple of Shakespeare bin wanderiu' froo dese yar dismal soli- 
tudes, widout food or lagei, in quest Gi> de town ob Deadwood, but no 
such a town appeareth on de equinox\ ul horizon. Ail on account of dat 
Yankee Doodle Y'uba, too. But I'se wouldn't be dat Yankee Doodle 
Y'uba, if de hull universe was ter ofler me de late presidency. Jes' you 
orter see [lookiiig off to audience, from footlights] dat Nance Yuba electri- 
fy dat old better half of her'n, de Cunei. Why bress you chile, dat old 
Nance, she jest skin de wool all off de Cunel's head till it looks like an 
Alabamer full moon out seranadin', suah. Den she gib him a dressin' wid 
de buUwhip, an' told him to go buy himself a caliker dress, an' make a 
woman ob hisself. Why, br"ss you, dat all comes ob jinin' de church. 
Jes as soon as Yankee Doodle Yuba, ob Yuba Dam, wentajined de church 
an' got religyum, he jes' calmed right done dawn, jes' like a clipped tailed 
hen-turkey. Golly ! I'se wouldn't jine de churcii and be a minister fur 
nuffin', I wouldn't, no sah ! Fust you Know you hab all de sisters a hug- 
gin' you, an' a squeezin' you hand as if dey was trvin' to squeeze spirit- 
ual consolation out ob it, an' bress jou, sah, if you'jes' done gone squeeze 
back agin dey call you a Henry Ward Beecher, so' a fact. No, sah! I 
wouldn't be a minister,like dat yar Yankee Doodle Yuba, fo' nuffin' . 
Besides, 'tis said dat de people ob de stage can't git to Canaan, no 
how, so I 'spect dis yar disciple ob de iuimortal boards of Shakes- 
peare, is done gone shut out. But aha! what's de difference while 
de clam crop is large. Edwin Booth Snowbank (strikes an attitude) 
am I ; de gi'eatest livin' tragedian of de lyric stage — de bossest ob 



8 DEADWOOD DICK 

de Hamlet's — de only original enterpretter oli all ob Shakespeare's 
sublime successes, cum west on a Pullman handcar, after oberwhel- 
mining metrc-opolitan triumphs— in a New York gas-works — to 
paralyze de denizens ob dis yar picture-sque continental lattytoad. 
las! i'se goin' to catch 'em clar oft" their base. I'se got one ob de 
sulilimcst tragedies otde age, hyar. (takes I'oll of mcmuscfijit from 
pocket) Its title was suggested by ray eminent namesake Edwin 
JSoolii, and is "lioarin' Rhiiioscn-iuus, the Superannuated Molongian 
Masher of the Calapultian iMounls." Yas! dat's de title. Now, 
wid de kind pernussion ob de audience, I will proceed to rehearse 
dis yar briney talc, but before launching forth, I would respectfully 
suggest dat dose pussons aiHiuted wid ninety-nine cent oi^er-a/i 
glasses, will not level dem dis way, as de inextinguishable brilliancy 
radiating from dis yar masterpiece of monumental Sliakespeare, 
comin' in contact wid de magiufying power ob de aper-a/i glasses, 
will propogate a consiicnticus cylindrical 'centration of fourcusses, 
an' de result will be a terrible kersplosion. Now, den, attentio.i, 
an' youse agwine tcr iiave de powers, fo suali. (Strikes an attitude, 
looking skyward, loith left hand on breast and right poised a la elocu- 
tion) (speaking tragically) De shades of evenin' war enwelopin' dis 
yai hemispherical conglomeration ob sand an' rock, in a mantle ol) 
Stygian cclipsiousiicss, when [irccipitously descending de peroendic- 
uhirist pillar ob de (.'atai)ully.iii range, waltzed de lloarin' Rhino- 
serious, wid a hs'ipolc (II ills shoulder. For devil-tishes, white 
whales an' green cleiiuilicunis luid dis noble bard been slinging his 
angle-worms, until de t-ountcnrmces ob de iieavculy bodies l>ecaine 
double-d3M'd wid scowls ob displeasure, and claps of electric liglit 
and da.slu's ot mi-gatlurian tiiiinder illununed de autumnal landscape 
Den, bethinking inmself ol) de serioustiness— ness — ness ob iiis situ- 
ation, dis 3'ar firey niazi'ppji tempered Koarin' Khiuoserious, peri- 
griiiati d his pedal promuigalcrs toward de mansion ob his girl, in- 
tent upon dissii)ating de I'l'mnining hours ol) de not-turnal period, in 
feeding her conversation lozcngcrs, an' whispering (juotations ob 
elysium attection into h r roseate tinted tympanum. On arriving 
in de grounds adjacent lo de domicile ob his ducky dear, dis noble 
knight oi) de fishpoie iiistantant'ously glued his eyes upon a scene 
dat summarily transformed his l)lood into de state ob Cincinnati ice 
cream. (Enter CAr.CuTXinioAT 2 k. e. ; j)auses, gazing at Sxowi'.axk 
ivith clc7ichcdjist.i.) Around the gilis ol> de Itoarin" Rhinoserious 
tliere spread a miihnght tinge, and from his eyes darted sparks of 
rage larger than a Syracuse l)asel)ali. .\nil wliyfore.'^ Simple the 
answer— aye! simple and yet so strange. For there, anatomically 
deposited upon chairs in am arijor. wliere the woodl)ine twineth, an" 
de whang doodh; niounttii for his first born, were the betrotiied of 
tiie Roarin' Rliinoserious, and a newspaper reporter by de name of 
Eurasticus Animosticus, engaged in si). ping the errervescem-iousnc ss 
from sundry sehoom-rs oi wei.^s beer. Struck dumb witii paralytic 
ness,tlie Roarin'Riiinosericais gazed for seblKrul iiours at theterril)le 



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DEADWOOD DICK 9 

scene; den dniwing a toothpick from de pocket ob his vest — some- 
thini^ like this, (draws immciise knife from bootleg, and waves it 
tragically, while speaking) lie waved it on Iiigii, like a Bowery tlior- 
oughl)re(l on a fourth o' July hurrah, and gluing his optical organs 
on dc frowning ampitheater above, critHl.tiiusly: (contifiuing to wave 
knife) Oh! Neptune, most mighty ruler ob de sea, cast down thy 
light on til}' injured innocent Behold a noble bard bereft of his 
damsel, througli tiie malicious machinate ob a simple newspaper 
reporter. Hear me den oh! Neptune — hear me swear tiiat thy ser- 
vant shall hab reveng(M revenge, I say, ten liundred billion times, 
revenge! Blood, will I hab— blood! gore! coagulated crhnson! It 
shall Ije spilt! (CvTTnuoxT: coiner foric trd ami j')resents a revolver 
at the darky) It shall dye thi se iiills and valleys— it shall run in 
mighty rivers until the world s'lall be engulfed in an antediluvian 
• leluge. Aye! blood! gore! (feds ^iistol pressiiig ag linst his eheek, 
and wheels aroiDid) ouch! de dcbltil. On! oh! oh' I beg — 'deed I 
do! Oil! oil! yes — yes— yes I I heir., 'de^d I do, Marsar — I beg! 
nebber do it again— nebber do it again, fo' suah! {drops on knees in 
attitude of ptrayer) 

CvTTiiKOXT (laiijhi)ig ho'irsely) Waal! waal! now you needn't 
git skeart, nigger. AH' I want o" you is to jest turn your nose to- 
ward the west, yonder, and sk)pe! D'ye beer? get out as fast as yer 
It^gs can carry 30U. 

Snowbank (^rising and goin] off\ l. e. backio trds) Yes— yes — 
yes— I'se goin' xVlarse Robber — i'se goin', right away off jes' as fas' 
as I can trabble {looking off audit/ice) Oh! my gollv. jes' s] osin' 
dat yar canin n had vomickeil, when it was alongside dis yar nig's 
liead? Whar'd I bin, now— oh! brcss you. Jes' sposin' de case. 
Wliat a 'oss de Shakisperian sta^e would hab abstained, had I gone 
up among de Clurrybums. H^w l.,avvreiKe Barrett an' John Mc- 
Oullough would hab diffused tearlets ol) grief on hearin' ob deir 
brudder tragedian's demise. Yms, you believe me, honey. Gib a $ 
to know wlitir Abu'se Yankee Doodle Yuba is. Last dis yar chile 
seed ob him, he was a skinniii' out o' Sand City.wid old Nance Yuba 
at his heels, j(>s'a lamin'it to him wid deole buUvvliip. (Cutthroat 
strides nearer. Snow throws uj) hands and backs off) Yes — yes — I'se 
agvvine, now, iMru'se Robber; I"se agwine riglit straight otf — 'deed I 
is, done gwine fo' suaii. Exit Snowbank 1 l. e. 

Cutthroat (watching him off 1 l. e.) There! cu.-se my boots if I 
didn't scare away the infernal black and tan, wliich leaves tlie way 
open for me to escape. Ela! ha! it is better that I go at once, for 
'tis said these quiu'ters are not healthy for christian people after dark, 
much less for me, once a member of Dead wood Dick's band, who 
turned traitor for a bag of gold. Curse me, but I wouldn't like to 
meet the valiant captain of the road-agents, who has sworn to kill 
me at sight — oh! no, not I. NVhen it comes to slitting the wizzand 



10 DEADWOOD DICK 

or pcrfomting the lieart of a pilgrim like the minor whom 1 just 
starled on his waj- to the happy hunting grounds, l>;uk yonder in 




shanty — Fred Castlctoii, the husband, or Flcteh Farley, the lover! 
Ila! ha! aihniratit)n fur a pretty piece of caiieo, they say, will battle 
with an army, an' I rci-kon it'll drihc in on tliem as stands in the 
way sometimes. Leasthuw, Fred (Jastleton stood in the way of me 
and thet pretty wife o' hisn, to say nothin' about the Red Roek' 
mine, and as a result, his eareass lies ovir yondt r in the guleh, fer 
the erows to i)ii-k, ef some pbilanthropieally disposed cuss don't 
come along and plant him. While I — why I go back to town, and 
in due time marry the widder— il not I)y prrsuasion. l)y force — and 
eventually become a popular citizen, the owner of the Red Rock 
mine, an' a regular bloaleil aristocrat. Ma! ha! methinks I almost 
can touch it even now— the pretty. })retty picture. Ila! ha! ha! 
(Laughs villainously and exit. End of scene 1.) 

Act 2.— "Deadwood City." 



ScEXK I: Exterior of cabin, icashtnb by door— or 3 L. E.— and 
Ethel Castlp:ton engaged in wniihing. 

Ethel (looking front) How lonesome it seems here since my poor 
husband's deatli. I have not the energy to do anything Ijut mourn 
and weep. I am constantly in a state of nervous excitement, as if 
expecting some dark, lurking evil, yet cannot imagine from what 
source it will coiue. Everybody seems very friendly to me, liere in 
Deadwood, and I do not think 1 have an enemy, unless it is tlie dark 
gambler, Fletcher Farley. I have always feared liim, as a bold bad 
man, for on several occasions lie has insulted me with an oli'ering of 
wliat he called love. 

Farley (entering, 2 it. e.) And wliat he meant love, (doffing fiat) 
my pretty Airs. Ktiiel. Indeed, he's a poor stick as could fail to pass 
your slirine witliout worshiinng at it. 

Ethel (stepping back) Sir! your intrusion here is unwarrantable. 

Fakley (mockingly) Oh, no; not when one comes in the role of a 
consoler. Be not angry with me, INIrs. Castleton, for on hearing of 
the late demise of your estimable husband, I hastened hither to ten- 
der you my heartfelt sympatiiy in your ailliction. 



I 



DEAD^YOOD DICK U 

Ethel (coldly) Your S3'mpathy, sir? I have heard men say your 
heart was too black to possess even a spark of tender feeling — and 
certainly your reputation is (lark and evil. No, sir, Mr. Fletcher 
Farley, I do not care to accept even your sympathy. 

iFAKLEY (grating his teeth, clenching hands and steppmg forward') 
Oho! so that's your layout is it, my little lady. Well, well! we shall 
see. But layin^- aside joking, Ethel Castleton, T have come here on 
business— anil to talk on business. In fact, I mean business in eve/y 
sense of the word. 

Ethel. Begone, sir. I will rot listen to you. Take yourself 
from my presence, or I will call fur assiitaiice. 



Faui.ey {laughing) Ha! ha! that's prettv good of you, when it's 
well known to both of us that there are no miners within earsliot. 
Nor would I go until I had had my say, wci'e there a hundred at 
your call. Therefore, you will tiiid it your best and only motion to 
give me an audience. 

Ethel (^sternly; folding her arnii) Go on, sir. I will hear you 
out — theL,if you do not take your departure, I will know the reason 
why. Do not think I am a coward, Fletciici- Farley, becau.se I am 
a woman, (shaking Jist at him) for I'm far frcjm it. I was born and 
bred here in this wild, hali-civiliz'd country, and I've a temper.too, 
tiiat sometimes gets tlie best of me. 



Farley (mockingly— aside) .\!i! v<'s, aiu! I'll cursed soon break it 
into submission, wlien I get you, my dear. (To Ethel) Uudoubt- 
edlv you have, fair Ethel— a woiuini witliont a ttMuper is a literal 
squash. But what I was going to ,<;!y, nr\ dear .Mrs. Castleton, you 
liave known for some months tint I wis siuillen with your cliarms, 
and desirous <jf possessing so prit'el<>ss ;i jewe! as you are in your 
cliarniing self. 01 course 1 could ilI^eK"! tly :i|)pris(^ you of the fact, 
but while Freil Castleton lived, modesty and personal esteem for 
1dm, forbade me m.iking lurther advances. IVat, now, since lie is 
dead, I deem it not out of taste to co iie forward in a manly way, 
tell you that I love you. and ask you honorably to become tny wife. 
Nay! do not say no, f >r you little know the kind of a man I am. 
When humored in my wishes. I am akin to a saint, they say, who 
know me. But when crossed in a purpose, it is then all the devil in 
my nature crops out, and I let notliing balk me in my designs. I 
liave set my figures upon marrying you and the Red Rock mine. 
You will find it to your advantage to wed me and thereljy secure a 
gootl husband, a staunch defender, and a thorough manager of your 
business. 



12 DEADWOOD DICK 

Ethel (cxcitoW^) No! no— a tlwiusancl times no. I shall never 
niavry again, sir, and were I to marry a ImiKhed times, you would 
never stand the faintest smoU of a show— jici'cr/ There! you have L- 
heard me, now I)ei;one with you. (Jo, I say— it is better to have a I 
man of your elass, as a foe th.au as a friencl. | 

Fxiu.r.Y (crcqiin^j nearer) U\s, (A\? YouM rather have me a,s a \ 
foe? Well, uiv beautiful young widow, you shall have your eh(»iep. 
I will he yourYoe, and ;jet your hu>;I)and. Ila' ha! wait till I get 
vou in my power. :uv\ iheu I'll learn you h.-w we l)reaU the temper 
of wild JKU-ses down in tlie Southwest. 11, i! iia! I fanev I see you 
in meek sul)ieetion. already, sniveling .and erying whenever I walk 
heavily. for ie.ir I am going to cut your heart (mt Hut I'll postpone 
the openin*' eeremonies for tiie present, letting ycm olf witli a kiss — 
.■I sweet, soft lingering sm uk! il;i: h.i! eoiiie, now.pony up. and no 
kicking. {Ajqiroaches her) 

Etiikl {sUiqnriiJ l(irh) P.a( k. vilhiin! monster- don't dare to lay 
a iiand oti me, or i will s, ream lor help! 

FAitM.Y (.■^2^ruig.s fonr i.rd and caMhcs her in his embrace, she 
struycjlinr) dcypcratdy (o csfdjn) Ha! ha! seream my pretty catbird, 
il it will relieve vou, imi I'lU l)onnd to seal our betrothal here, ami 
:it oiK'c. {Kisses her sever iJ tirw^, she eallinfj for lielit, rcpealedUj .) 

En'er V\\.\ynT\ qnickhj -sei'ics FAiti.KV. hurls him off, an I levels 
a pair nf revolvers at hiin. 

C.\L. {coollij—deliberalely) There! you ugly, IW.aek son of a sea 
(ook, just you stand o.-f. D'ye iie.ir me.*^ stand oil', or by the holy 
smoke I'll till your aiiatomyso full of compressed plumbago, that 
you'll answer f(.»r a sodderin' iiloek —an' th.at's jest as sure as my 
"nanie is Calamity Jane, Es(iuire .i free citizen of Deadwood. Oh! 
you're a [un-ly spei-imen of ni-udiood. .-lint you, :i-tryin' t( r kiss a 
ui.lder whi> ain't got over monniii;' fer ht r husband, yet? You'd 
do to hang up in a di'Ug stoi't^ to cut pukes oil 'm. 



Y\\i\.YS {standlnj aihatj-hoarselij) Oho! so it's 50U is it. yoii_, 
young she wildcat. Well, well! tliis makes another one I owe you.'' 
I've already got a big .-iceount agin you to settle But, curse \\w, 
you're a puzzle, girl. One would scarcely e.xpect that the passionate 
Clalamity, wiiose heart is in the keeping of Dc^adwood Dick, tiie 
famous outlaw, woul<i care to defend her rival in the aforesaid out- 
knv's affections. Ila! ha!— liut I suppose it is none of my business, 
all the same. With your permission. I will retire— iia! ha! yes; 
you will of course excuse me, ladies. Au revoir. {Bows mockinrjly 
wiih lifted hat, and exit 2 u. k.) 



( 



I 



13 DEADWOOD DICK 

CAL. {turning to ETHEL) There 1 I do not think he will return 
to bother you at present, but you had best go at once to your cabin 
and keep on your guard. He is a hard cuss, is that 'ar Fletcher Farley, 
1>UL he knows better than to come foolin' around me. Go, now, and look 
out for yourself. 



ETHEL, {warmly) Oh ! Miss Calamity, how can I ever repay you for 
your brave interference in my behall [steps for oua-rd, but CALAMITY mo- 
tioas her back.) 

GAL. Don't mention it ma'am, I crave neither thanks, gold or grati- 
tude for such little things. Take my advice, and seek your shanty at 
once. 

ETHEL. I will do as you say, ever kindly remembering your brave- 
ness and unselfishness. Though a scrangjr to me, I have often heard of 
you and now believe the reports that you are dauntless. 

CAL. {pacing off toward 1. R. E. with bowed head.) Ah! then it is true 
these stories that 1 have a rival in her who has just left me — it must be 
true when even the ruffian Farley twitted me of the fact. Even old Pret- 
zel's told me that Deadwood Dick used to be a regular visitor at Castle- 
ton's shanty, ere Fred Castletoii was rtlurdered —and of course it was the 
pretty faced woman that was the lodi.'<ti)a(!. Oil ! God, why is it I must 
love one who cares naught for me, to he jeered at by the rouglis who 
seem to comprehend my passio,!. But I will nut believe it no — no! I 
will not believe Dick is uiifiithful to liis l)etr.)tlial vows, until 1 have 
further proof^then — then God help lae, and ir.m. {Exit 1. 11. E.) 

{Eater NANCE YUB.\, crackiny her whip ; peers about ; goes front and 
gazes at audience, gri/nly, several seconds.) 

NANCE, {cracking whip, spitefully.) Seen anything of him, around 
here ? {pause — then sharper.) D'ye beer me ? I ax ye have you seen any- 
thing o' him around heery {pause) By him, I mean that infernal old blis- 
ter plaster, Yank Yuba, of Yuba Dam. Hev ye seen him? {pause — in a 
louder tone after each pause) Oh! {cracking whip) I say, liave ye seen 
him? Why don't some o' ye answer ? Hev ye lo»t yer speakin' facility? 
Ef ye have, I ain't, no sir-ee, bob-tail boss — aot I, my lungs is jest as 
as sound as they war, when 1 war ten year old, every bit. So's my grip, 
an' don't ye fergit it. Oh ! holy smoke o' St. Christopher, jes' wait till 
I get my claws on that desateful old better half o' mine, Yank Yuba-won't 
1 reef it to him ? won't I snatch him bald beaded in a holy second ? Waal 
now, you bet yer pile, I will. The miserable, ungainly, desateful, slab- 
sided, big-eared, knock-kneed, long-nosed, tive-toed old vagabond ! Jest 
wait till I clap my peepers on him, an' I'll skin him so quick he'll think. a 
blizzard has struck lmn.j^{shaking her fist and cracking whip constantly) 
Oh ! but I will though sure's I'm old Nance Yuba, the " screecher " from 
Yuba Dam. I'll screech to him, when I catch him— I'll make him think 
school's let out fer all day— yes I will. Ye needn't lalf, nuther— I'm busi- 
ness, I am — bizness clean to the marrer. If ye don't b'lieve I'm on the 



DEADWOOD DICK U 

[takes a stride about 




get from uiuUT my powir. i n:ti >» iiiu t-asf, iml'z;ui;ii,> . \jii : lue ueserier, 
the base unfiiithfnl wretch — oh ! the son-of-a-Kun. Jest wait — my times 
comin' afore long, an' ef I don't make liim dance ye can call me aliar. I 
aiu't a verv perlite (dd gal, luit Tin hefty on my muscle, an' don' ye fergit 
it. I've got a record too, fcv hiyiiT out sixteen men, in one day. inchul- 
in' the parson, all fer synipathiziiV \vi" Yank Yidni, when I was givin' 
him a dressin' out. Tiiiit's tlie kind of a hair-pin I am. and the sort*o' 
folk they have down tew Yuha Dam. But, ef Yuba ain't heer, why, I've 
got to search for him, elsewhere, for lind that old reiirobate I will, ef it 
takes til Marv eonies honi. an' when I do tind him — oh I Zamiel ! how I 
will blister li"ini. Not a reason on 'arth lied that confounded skunk fcr 
skinnin' an desartin' me, hi> true an' faithful wife. To be sure 1 usier 
tan his je!ket reg'lar, Tuesday an' Saturday with a buUwhip, but I hatl 
ter do it in order to keep hiiu sal)nii-i.sive to my will — I had ter do it, I 
tull ye. If ye wanter keep yer husbands under yer thumb, ladies. I tell yr 
thar's no way o' doin' it 'eep' ye stamp on 'em, hosswhip 'em, an' let 'em 
know ynre boss o' the sheiiang! That's what's the matter with Ilanner. 
I've alius ruled my roost, an' lived in peace an' happiness, until Y'ank 
Yul):i, eoiisiini lii-s pieter. iuk it inter his head that lie'd got religion, 
an' up aif desarts me, the dcs.i.eifil wretc-h. Oh! jest wait till I 
keteii hini— jest wait! I'll make liim tliink he's in a kingdom of 
saints. <>r sometiiin else. I'm after him, liotiin' hoav}-, on a reglar 
old Butfalo Hill warpatii. I trailed liiai over ter Sand City, hut he 
slii)peil away hecause iiis legs war the longest. But Ml keteh him 
yet, yes I will, an' then yeow jest bet all your spare eash thar's goin 
ter be a luneral. I'lraiiniliiiate — I'll smash him. Me needn't 
purtend religion ter me. No-sir-ee, bobtail Iioss. It won't g(; down. 
I ean see thru it jest as eas}' as 1 ean manage a masli. It's a reglar 
old Beecdier dodii'e ter git among ther female sex — that's what's the 
rip! He never durst east a peeper at another woman, while he sailed 
under my flag, an' jest let me keteli Iiim lookin' eross-eyed at one on 
em. an' I'll bei he'll never look at anuthi-r. Ill skin him! I'll mas- 
saerehim! I'll disloeate every joint in his carcass. Oh! Yank! 
Yank! you inlernal old blister plaster, I'm a-comin' fer you, witli 
blood in' my eye! {Cnicks whip and exits, 1 L. E. — Immediatehj 
alter Snowbank, 1 u. e.) 

Snowbank it7-agcdy attitude) Ah! blood! gore! coagulated 
crimson! To be or n<jt to be— that's de question afore dis yar tribu- 
nal. Blood is agwine ter be spilt in a regl.ar ole antediluve. Ytis! 
for de benefit of consumptives will rivers oh de prime ole article flo 
thru dese yar weary vale oh tears. Oh! Hamlet whar art thou? 
Blood! gore! coagulated crimson. 

Exit with tragic step, 2. L. E. Close of seene. 



\ 



I 



DEAD WOOD DICK. 



ACT III. 

Scene II— The Street op Deadwood. {Enter Farley and Gov. 

Castleton, 1 R. E. and 1 L. E,) 

Farley {paming), Well, cuss my boots! 

Castleton [pausing a)y2 poising eyeglass) Weill well! can this be 
possible you here, Farley? 

Farley. I'll allow I'm here, exactly, an' be blamed ef you 
ain't here, too, old man. Shoot me fer a coyote ef I wouldn't as 
soon expected to meet you in Halifax. Give us yer flipper! 

Castleton {steppvig loch) Thank you; it's quite unnecessary. 
I have just washed my hands. 'Sh! Mums' the word! Not a 
lisp of my naiue, for I'm now under an alias — Governor Castle- 
ton, at your service. Tell me, are there any new arrivals in 
town who ioh^> might ie detectives/ 

Farley (wMstleing) Waal, now, old man, thet's rather a hard 
problem to solve, fer the moral city of Deadwood is a queer place 
fer queer people. What's the lay? Tracked, are ye? 

Castleton {in low tone) Yes! There are detectives searching the 
country for me, but I think I have eluded them, and at the same 
time hit a bonanza in coming to this rough place. Tell me, what 
are you doing here? 

Farley {uyith hoarse laugh) Well, I put in my time somewhat 
variously, as of old— turning my hand over to whatever job 
offers the biggest installments of cash and whisky. Ha! ha! 
Scruples, you remember, never prevented my getting rich, but 
luck went tother way, curse it. 

Castleton {walking off 1 r. e.) Then, come with me, and we 
will compare notes. I have money — you have a disposition for 
villainous work. Perhaps we can make a bargain. 

Farley (hoarse laugh) Well, now, old man, I'll guarantee that, 
if you've got enough gold to balance the heft of my morality.— 
{Exit both, 1 R. E., Castleton leading). 

{Scene clmnges to chanther in hotel. Enter Castleton and Farley, and 
hecome seated on either side of a taUe). 

Castleton — Now, then, we are alone, and can talk freely, I 
allow. First, tell me, what have you been boing, of late — by the 
way, since you had to slope from Boston, on account of a little 
stabbing affray? 

Farley [drumming on table) Well, my dutiful dad, since you put 
it to me so pointedly. 111 give you a square answer. I have mo- 
nopolized the gi'eater share of my time in playing five cent poker, 
drinking bad whisky, robbing lone mountain wayfarers, and 
occasionally mining a little. As a result, I have accumulated, 
and now carry in my pocket, the enormous fortune of — three old 
coppers. Spent my last five bits for old benzeen, an hour since, 
and was meditating just before I met you, where the next drink 
was to come fi*om. 

Castleton — Outrageous, sir, outrageous^but no worse a con- 



DEAD WOOD DICK. 



ditiou than I expected to see you in. But 1 scarcely need brag, 
for I've seen rough times iny.self, and have not as clear a con- 
scienc^e as once 1 had. 1 got into a quarrel over cards in the oast, 
recently, and liad to ski]) out, for killing luy opponent.' Curse it. 
1 should now l)e the President of a street railway, but for that. 
There was reward innuediately oll'ered for my arrest, and nothing 
was left forme to do but pack my valise, and pull for thisdevilisli 
country, to be a hunt«d villain aiuong villains. But how long 1 
will escape the law is a matter of uncertainty to me, for 1 under- 
stand the detectives reached 'Shian just after I left. 

Farley — Pshaw ! you've nothin to fear. You have inonej^ 
you say, and mark you, money is what makes the mare go, here 
in the mines. What's the reward on your top-not? 

Cas'I'IvETOw — A thousand dollars— enough to set all the sleuths 
in Christendom on my trail. But perhaps 1 am safe here, in my 
disguise. If so, 'tis a lucky wind that blew me liither, for two 
fortunes^stare me most temptingly in the face. 

Fahlkv {irlth lnHirse rlmclde) Two devils you mean. 

Castleton — No, two fortunes; neither of which are to be dis- 
pised. And the best of it is 1 am going pronqitly to work to 
secure them. But, first, 1 want to take in a partner to do the 
dirty work. Yon will answer the i)urpose. If 1 am successful, 
you get a thousand dollars. If I am not successful, you don't get 
a copper. How like you the picture ? 

Farley — Your munificence threatens to bankruj)t you, even- 
tually. 1 ain't so hard up as to work, oven for you. my beloved 
pap, for nothing and board myself —oh! no. if you want to do 
the planning, and have me do the execution of your plans, just 
one half will tickle me. Otherwise, when the detectives arrive in 
search of you, it 7iuiy not be diflicuit for them to find you. 

Castleton {smiting the taUe) Curse you ! so that's your game, is 
it. Well, I supjjose it's better to humor a balky horse than to 
try to force him. Consecjuently, if you will swear to work for 
and under me, and me alone, I'll give you half of the net profits 
accruing fi-om our little plans. 

Farley {rmnrj an cxterulhuj hnml) Karect, old man; it's a go. I 
swear to do it, by th<' Eternal. So grasp my paw on it. 

Castleton (fihriidin'j (i.inii/) No! 1 do not care to shake the 
hand of a gi-eater rascal tlian myself. Be seated. 

Farley (oheyliuj) Waal, now, you needn't be afeared of my 
flipper. It hasn't been stained so many times as your'n, I'll 
wager. Go ahead— it's a bargain. Give mo your schemes, and 
I'll enter intf) 'em fer half. If the half fails to come, ill take my 
hunting knife and slit your windi)ipe; and tliat's the sort of a 
hairpin 1 am, 

Castleton -All right. If I fail in my part, you can do as you 
have threatened. Now, then, ojjen your ears and I'll unfold 
some revelations (eMei' Deadwood Dick, denthily 3 l. E.; paiisea with 
haiuh in pod-^'i). To begin with, you will remember that for my 



DEAD WOOD DICK. 



second wife I married one Mary Castletown, a Chicago seamstress 
who had a son out here in the mines. Of course my second \vife 
died, shortly after my marriage, leaving me again a widower. 
Wliatslie died of it does not matter. Suffice it to say, she is un- 
der the sod. Now, her son, Fred Castleton, is, or was, yet a 
minor, in regard to age, and on arriving here 1 found him mar- 
ried, and the owner of one of the richest mines in this section. 
Quickly foreseeing a chance for speculation, I figured around, and 
finally lured Fred Castleton into the mountains, and {lowest tone) 
murdered Mm. 'Sh ! breathe not a word of this, outside, at your 
peril ! It was a ghastly crime, but I was forced to do it, for sake 
of gain. And now, the Red Rock Mine is our — do you see ? — ours ! 
I will wait upon Mrs. Ethel Castleton, and explain that I being 
Fred's appointed guardian, have come to take charge of his af- 
fairs. 1 will also propose to marry her, and thereby get full con- 
trol. See ? Then perhaps she will refxise, .and try to gainsay my 
right to control the mine. I Avill then adopt harsher measures, 1 
will have a story that she was married l>efore she married Fred, 
and warn her that 1 am ready to produce her first husband — this 
makes a bigamist of her, antl entitles her to no share of the pro- 
perty, whicli then falls to me, the next nearest of Idn. That will 
settle that. If she requires, I will produce some rough to swear 
that he is her hvisband, and enougk witnesses to prove it ; all of 
which, money will secure. I will then warn her that she is under 
suspicion of murdering Fred Castleton, and that if she does not 
marry me, I will have her arrested and hung for the crime. Ha ! 
ha ! that will fetch her, and the game is ours. How do you like it ? 

{Deadwood Dick steals forirard, awl eeatu himself in their rear, with 
heels on another chair; lights a cigar). 

Farley, {^Dith a grim laugh) A very good plot; fit for a yellow 
covered novel, any day. But there are a few points a little off — 
one in particular, concerning marrying the widow. She's em- 
phatically my meat. 

CASTiiETorr, {driking tnl)le), Emphatically she is not, sh*. Don't 
dare to argue — I won't have it. I'm the mastitt', you're the 
puppy, and must take a back seat. I'm going to marry the girl, 
and you are not. If I tire of her, you may have her. 

Farley — Well, cuss my boots if you ain't got gall enough for 
a patent medicine shop. But go ahead with your ark. I guess 1 
can content myself on half of the proceeds of the Red Rock mine. 
By the way, don't you think you have made a little mistake in 
one thing? 

Castleton — Certainly not, sir. I never made mistakes. 

Farley— You don't V Well, I rather opine ye do. 

Castleton, {excitaily). But, see here — 1 Icnow better. What 
mistake have I made 'i 

Farley— Oh ! a very trifling one. I believe you stated that you 
were the author of Fred Castletous sudden demise. 

Castleton-— Exactly, sir. 



DEADWOOD DICK. 



Farlky — Well, then, thare's whare you got a little off your 
elovateil rail road, for 1 had the individual honor of causing the 
chap to pass in his chips, myself. Ila! ha I ha! Pretty good 
joke on you, old man ; but I" 11 foi'give you for stealing my thun- 
der, since your'e such a royal old dad. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Castleton, {in confumm). Well, well, youv'e caught me fairly ; 
but I care not. Lies are cheap, now-a-days ,you know. But lay- 
ing aside joking, what do you think of the scheme ? 

Farlky — It is good. Now, what about the other? 

Casti-eton — Ah ! That, too. is a matter of inheritance. Do 
you i-ememl)er that 1 once told you of a fortune in the east, that 
was ponding a death ? 

Farlky — 1 have some faint recollection of something of the 
kind, but cannot i*ecall the exact substance of what you told me, • 
just now. 

Castleton — Well, you see there was an old relative who died 
rich. His only living heirs were myself and a third cousin of 
mine, whose name is Edward Han-is. Not wishing to spUt the 
fortune, he made a request that the fortune should go to which- 
ever lived the longest. Harris, at tlie time, was anil at the pres- 
ent is an outlaw, under the notorious title of Dead wood Dick. 
Of course, I have a natural desire that he may peg out before I, 
so I (!an get hold of the fortui>e ; teerefore, on arriving here, Iput 
out a ]ioster, offering a reward for liis capture. If captured, his 
fate will be lynch-law, as he has no friends, but many foes. If he 
he is not captured, wo must contrive to put him out of the way. 

D.Dick, {levcUiuj a 2'ah- of rewlven at them, qieaking coolly), And 
if I were allowed to remark, I should say there is no time like the 
present to balance the account, while we are all here. 

{Farley ami Castleton spring to tJwir feet in comte?'nation). 

Castleton, {reaching toimnls his vmeriiocket), The devil I it's him! 

D. Dick, {cooUy, keeping ttieni cmerai). Oh ! no— not quite the 
devil, for you see I lack the tail and horns. I am Dead wood Dick, 
at your service — the road-agent you offer $500 reward for. I just 
dropped in to learn if any one had yet etirned the price of my 
valuable head 'i Take care ! don't pull out any tools on me, or I 
shall have to doctor your eye for you, a trick I am quite handy 
at. Be seated, pray. I would not disturb your little chat, if you 
are not through. 

Castleton — Cui-se you, man — we are through. What would 
you have here. 

D. Dick — Oh ! nothing particularly, only I just called in to 
learn of what value I was to you, that I should be advertised for. 
But while enjoying a cigar, you have, unconscious of my ijres- 
ence, given me a very clear explanation, for which I am greatly 
obliged. Btit I'd advise you not to attempt any of your meditat- 
ed schemes, Mr. Castleton. If you are long in the llills, you will 
proba])ly have heard thatl am not a pei*son of the most lamb-like 
I)ersuasion, and those who buck against me generally get a full 



DEADWOOD DICK. 



hand, if not a prize chance iu the local cemetery. And as for your 
companion, here, who was once a member of my band, he'd bet- 
ter keep quiet, as his day of doom is decided on, and when that 
day arrives he will be taken into the mountains and shot — at 
least I hear that such is the Avord among my agents. His crime of 
beti*aying a portion of his comrades into the hands of the regu- 
lators shall receive its rewai'd. 

Farley {fiercely), Bah ! I defy you all ! 

D. Dick— Brave words, when you think your enemies are not 
present ; but you will take them all back, in due time. And as 
for you, Mr. Castleton, if you wait to get possession of this pro- 
perty you have been telling about, 'til I am planted, in all prob- 
ability you'll have a good long wait. Take my advice, and go 
back east ; or, at least, if you remain here, it will be to your ad- 
vantage to behave yourself, for if you do not, I'll venture to agi-ee 
that you'll find the climate most detrimental to your personal 
health. Don't mistake me, for I mean business. If you do not 
crowd upon me, or upon those who are doing you no harm, I shall 
offer you no molestation ; but if yoa do try any of your villain- 
ous schemes, I shall make it my business to baltle you at every 
point, and bring you to the gallows you so justly merit. {Uisvuj, 
hacking toicards 2 L,. e). I am going now, temporarily. ' Ta ! ta ! 
I shall not be far off, however, and ready to take a trump hand 
in any game you may originate. Bye-bye, my dear cousin three 
times ; take care of yourself and that precious offspring of yours. 
(Exit 2 L. E). 

Castleton, {sjmnging forward) Stop him ! stop him I Curse 
the fellow ! [Farley steps Jyefore him). 

Farley— Hold up ! don't attempt that, for that chap is a dead 
shot, and you'd be a dead man were you to try to stop him. 
I've seen Mm drop five pilgi-ims in succession, and then escape ! 

Castleton— But are we to let the bold devil have his own 
way, and be defeated V By no means, sir. He already knows what 
I told you, and will use every effort to bailie us. He must die, 
sir ; he must die, I tell you ! {Stamps cane on floor). 

Farley— Exactly, but if we hope to accoiiipliBh that result we 
must work a surprise on him, or take him at a big odds. No two 
mortals ever yet lived on these hills who cared so little for their 
lives that they would stand up and face Dead'w^ood Dick and at- 
tempt to take him. alive. Come! we will go to the Casino, and 
play a social game of poker, while we discuss plans, you putting 
up a five dollar note against my reputation, just to make the 
game entertaining. Ha ! ha ! come along ! 

{Exit hoth. 1 R. E., Farley leading. Ghse of Scene). 

Scene III.— The Street op Deadwood Again. {Enter Dead- 
wood Dick, hnrri&lly; wrapt in cloak; 1 L. E. Same time enter Calavi- 
ity, 1 R, E.) * 



DEADVVOOl) DICK. 



D. Dick, (stwrtin^jhack ondincovering Jier) Ha! is it you, Calamity? 
I fii-st thought it was — 

Calamity, {iiiterruptvig him, aa/rcasticaUy), Ethel Castleton, eh? 
But you see it isn't. 

D. Dick — What do you mean. Calamity? Why do you speak 
of Mi-s. Castleton so ) utterly ? lias she ever injured you ? 

CAiiAMiTY, (frui'nJhj), Oh! no- of coxirso not. 1 should have 
sciatehed her eyes out, if she had, you bet. 1 didn't know but 
coiiiiiilj: from her presence in a sort of dreamy stiite, you mistook 
me foi- her— or her gold mine. Ha ! ha ! ha ! {laugfiH swrccmticaUy). 
Good day! {Attemjisto pass, hut /lepHta out his hand and xhe atopa). 

D. ])iCK.— Hold on. Calamity ; hold on ; not so favSt, my pretty. 
I must have a little explanation of this. You are mad at me. Ca- 
lamity ; your words are sarcastic, stinging ! Tell me why it is so, 
my little promised wife {^nits arm about her waist). 

CaLiAmity, (fireaUiuj ho.sr) Stoj) ! you forget we ai*e on the street, 
and you . ire in most eniiiienv peril. Go! escape, before AVe are 
discovered together, and whil(^ there is time for you to escape. 

D.Dick — Ha! ha ! you cannot get rid of me so easily, Calamity. 
I'm bound to have an explanation, you see. There is no one 
coming this way at present ; and even were there a round dozen, 
I'd not run. I've ceased running. Calamity. I've quit dodging, 
to escape those who would hunt and hang me. Hereafter, will I 
boldly stand my grounds, here, a citizen among citizens, and meet 
them as they choose. If they crave my enmity, my weapons 
never fail me. If they ci-ave my friendshij). tliey shall have a 
full measure of it. I can l)e a powerful and faithful friend, or I 
can be a deadly foe. But 1 will not burden you with my troubles, 
for I want to know what's troubling you. Calamity. Come, now 
(put^'i ar)n uhout her), that's a dear! Tell me what you're mad at. 

Calamity, (2mttin{ily), I didn't say I was mad. 

D. Dick — But your words betrayed that much. There was in 
them bitterness, .jealousy. You cannot deny that? 

Calaiviity, (povtuKily, toyin'j icith hvi chak, face averted) Well — 
well — well — 

D. Dick — Well ! how many wells make a river ? I am a little 
ashamed of you. I thought you loved me. Calamity ; loved me 
with all the passionate fervor of your wild hai)py nature. Instead 
of that, 1 find you laboring in jealousy — without cause. 

Calamity, (gazimjatjinflr), I do love you, Dead wood Dick; al- 
ways have loved you, since I first met you, with all the love a 
woman can bear — for you were a friend to me, the only friend I 
had, after I was cruelly driven forth on the world, to redeem my- 
self or go headlong down to destruction, as I chose. But for your 
brotherly kindness. Dead wood Dick (speaL<<affWxii)/jli/), and a faint 
hope that— that some day there might be peace and comfort to 
me, 1 sliould lonff ago have killed myself, instead of pursuing the 
wild, reckless tenor of my existence as a harum-scarum dare-devil 



DEADWOOD DICK. 



of the mines. In time you told me you loved me, and God sent a 
ray of sunshine down to gladden my life — for a time — 

D.Dick, {stroMmj her hair), For a time, eh? — for only a time. 
Then came over you a cloud of jealousy ; and without cause. I 
think I can see through it all. Calamity, without your telling me. 
You became aware of my visits to Fred Castleton's shanty, up 
the gulch ; you lurked around, in growing wonderment why I 
went. Once or twice you saw me there when Castleton was in 
the mines, and this fired you withsusi^icion. Suspicion has gene- 
rated jealousy ; jealousy has made you utterly miserable ! Ah! 
Calamity, dismiss the disease from your mind, and be once more 
your blithe, gay self. Look into my face, and tell me you do not 
for a moment doubt my loyalty to you. 

Calamity, {titill with dowmagt eye'^), C&n you ask me to do this, 
Dick? Can you believe me a woman,' true and loving, and ask 
of me tliis, when you have not given even an explanation to sat- 
isfy my suspicion — my jealousy, as you call it ? 

D. Dick.— If you love me truly, you will not believe ill of me, 
until you can get proof to confirm your suspicions. As to the 
why and wherefore of my visits to the Castleton shanty before 
and since Fred Castleton's death, I cannot enlighten you at pres- 
ent, but know I can satisfy you after we are married ; three little 
short months yet. Calamity. Come, now, pet, you will believe 
me loyal and true until I can explain all to you, won't you ? 
(chuckl/M/ her under the chin). Say yes ; then I'm off! 

Calamity, (lookiiuj vp). Until 1 have substantial and strong 
proof to confirm past suspicions, yea. But mind you, Deadwood 
Dick, you had best not trifle with me, if you don't mean business 
and honesty in dealing, for if I find you have been deceiving me, 
waif tho' I am, and friendless and unprotected, I swear before 
the God I have never in all my wild life ceased to love and pray 
to, that woe shall be unto you. But, there ! there ! let that suf- 
fice. Here's my hand (smilingly entendinj it), and I am not a bit 
mad. I had to speak business, for that man don't live that can 
ever play wrong on me, and escape my vengeance, you bet. But, 
say, now, don't go there to the red shanty any more, and it will 
be ail right. 

D. Dick, {hissing her hair), Well, to please you, my little nugget 
of the mines, I will not go there any oftener than is absolutely 
necessary. There ! Now be happy again, and I will bid you 
good-by«« (shaking hands), for I have some business to attend to in 
the hills. 

Calamity, (jwintingoffln. k.) But look! yonder comes a man 
up the street. Quick ! turn back — you must escape the otlier 
way. 

D. Dick, (coolly). Be cool. It is a stranger, and I am not afraid 
of recognition. See ! I will take off my mask, and there are few 
in all Deadwood who ever looked upon the unmasked face of 
Deadwood Dick. (Take.f off tJie vuisk; drattying Gaia/mity to his side). 



DEAD WOOD DICK. 



Well! well! {looking off I b. b.) he is a queer looking codger, for 
a fact. Looks like a California school-master, too. Wonder what 
he's so cautious about. 

(Col. Yuba cautioiidy thrmUhecul in 1 B. E. — then jerks ithack. Re2>eatH 
the act Hetcrul times, enter iiuj ami retreating. Finally armes fonoard. 

Coi,. Yuba, {jicerituj almut) Gosh! 1 guess she ain't hyar, arter 
all, and i'ni all-fired glad ont. Hain't seen anything of her, hev 
yeou, stranger ? 

D. Dick — Well, my friend, I could scarcely venture a correct 
reply, until I know to whom you refer. 

Col. Yuba, (cfiewiiuj and 'ijiitting aiul peeri/yj dliout), Couldn't eh ? 
'Spose not. Nance Yul)a's who I meant — Nance Yuba, o' Yuba 
Dam. \l\\n\\i\\\ (sjiittiiKj) spect I've give ther tarnal critter the 
slip, agin. Ain't mucli sorry, nuther. Sure ye ain't seen an old 
gal a perrigi'iuatin' around heer, like a mad bulller bull, a pa win' 
an' tearin' o' the 'arth, an' snappin' a whip like's ef she war anx- 
ious to tair sum one's jacket ? 

D. Dick, {laughing). Well, no, I haven't seen anyone to answer 
that description, uncle. 

Yuba, {with a great sigh of rdief), Waal, cuss my boots ef I ain't 
tarnel glad of it. 'Spect she ain't arriv yet. You'll heer from 
her, tho, Avhen she gits within forty miles, fer she's got a voice like? 
a lokermotive whisth?, and a step like an elerfants. Hain't seen 
anytliin' ov a nigger about, nuther, I s'jjose ? 

D. Dick — Indeed, no. That's a type of character hard to find 
in the liills. By the way, old man, who is the female you appear 
so much concerned about ? 

Yuba, {mnstantly peering and fid/] etting about ami chemng ami sjdtting) 
Slie? Waal, neou, stranger, ef ye'd ever been down nigh outer 
Yuba Dam, yeou needn't ask. Every leetle dorg an' dorgess, 
frum ther long tailed ter ther short tailed, knows Nance Yuba. 
Cuss my boots, yes, an' you would, tew, stranger, ef she'd, 'a raked 
yer hide over as many times as she has mine. Stranger, beliold 
in me. Colonel Yankee Doodle Yuba, of Yuba Dam, an average 
specimen uv ther henpecked husband of tew day. (iaze at me — 
am I not enough tew bring tearlets tew they perceivei-s uv an ed- 
dicated jack mule ? Noteth thou the fact tiiat my raiment no 
longer fitteth mine anatomy, and that the expression of mine 
mouth is no longer of dazzling sweetness ! Ah ! such is fate. 1 
am the husband, kind stranger, of that tai-nel old porkupineal 
targer, Nancy Lida Marier Yuba. For five an' forty years 1 stood 
it hke a lamb, sir ; I never flinched, tho' she pounded, jammed, 
scratched an' bit me, an' subject^jd me tew every misery the flesh 
is heir tew. First along, I had some spirit, but she smashed it 
tew flinders, an' uster lam it tew me reg'larly from once tew fifty 
times a day. She broke me, stranger ; thar's no tarnel use o' 
edgin' around that. But, a few weeks since, I 'came inspired with 
divine thought, and burst forth upon the world a minister. I 



DEADWOOD DICK. 



grew happy. Flesh begun tew sprout out once more upon luy 
shins, and I gained three pounds a day, cussed ef I didn't Re- 
hgion had I got, stranger, and I got it strong. No longer did I 
mind being cuffed about by Nance, my worser half, fer my spirit 
was roamin' in infinity. She could tan my jacket fer an hour, 
but I never know'd it, sir ; my thoughts divine ameliorated what 
pain she produced. Oh ! stranger, its a cussed fine thing tew lie 
a preacher. Its such a consolation tew inform ther purty sistern 
thet ther golden gate is open fer 'em, an' receive their thankful 
smiles and hugs, tew say nothin' about sponge cake an' terbaccer. 
Verily, I wouldn't turn from the golden trail now, ef ye was ter 
offer me ther best farm at Yuba Dam. 

D. Dick — Well, uncle, you seem to be very pious, for a fact. 1 
suppose you have converted hosts to the holy cause ? 

Yuba— Verily, stranger, 1 have ; full three score and ten of tlie 
Yuba Dam-ed did my eloquence bring in i^enitence tew their 
knees— regardless o' Sunday-go-tew-meetin' frocks an' briche- 
loons, mind yeu — an' 1 should hev peppered ther hull town, like- 
ly, only, jest then Nancy Marier Yuba hove in sight on the hori- 
zon, carryin' a short gun, an' 1 hed tew git. Twasn't no use, stran- 
ger — / hed ttnc git, you iet, or she'd a cleaned me out. So 1 mean- 
dered off at a speed o' ten laps tew the mile. An' heer I am, tew 
do the heathen of this country good. Truly, stranger, thou art a 
pert looking man, and thy companion will soon be, when hirsute 
vegetation sprouts upon his mug. Before thee both lies a long 
life, with a path strewn with temptation an' allurements, an' I'll 
swar et ain't one out o' every hundred kin squeeze thru, safe an' 
sound, thout he jines the church o' Israel. Therefore, my young 
stranger, let me indooce ye ter jine, at once, an' ferever hev yer 
salva,tion assured. I have heer {takes hooh awl pencil from pocket) a 
leetle register fer names of them as jines. Neow it don't cost 
much, stranger— cussed little, I'll swar, compared wi' ther benefit 
derived. Fer one little ten dollar bill I will inscribe yer name in 
this holy register — fer another X I will annoint yer as a member 
of the church, which gives yer all the privileges, and so-forth and 
so-forth. Jest think uv it— only twenty dollars. Your name is — 

D. Dick. — Is Deadwood Dick, but you needn't put it down. I 
am not a very pious fellow, and besides, it's not improbable i 
shall have a hand in a funeral before I get through with these 
people of Deadwood. 

Yuba, {quickly) Ila! a funeral— a funeral, sir'? Where? — when? 
— which ? — why ?— tell us ? 

D. Dick, {laiujhiruj) Oh ! I don't know of any, at present, but 
twixt you and me, there's liable to be several, if I'm not let alone. 

Yuba.— Good! excellent! bully! I must be around an' have 
the job of the sermon ! Yes ! yes !— only ten dollars for a half 
hour's sfermon ; oiily ten. Yes! yes I dog cheap! Just think of 
it, {Dick and CalamUy turn tc go) But, hold on, hold on ! don't be 



10 J^EADWOOD DICK. 



ill a hurry, pardner. Ef ye don't want religion, why, I've got 
siinithin' olso. Look ee heer. (tahesi hottle from pochct.) I have a 
wonderful i)rej)aration, composed of roots an' yarbs, for the cure 
of corns, bunions, colds, coughs, hardening of the chcf'k, soften- 
ing of the brain, mumps, quinzy, a]>i)lepli'\y, licart disease, small 
pox, red nose, liver complaint, eyervsiplas, still' neck, enlarged 
gall, watcrmelanchoUy, tits, fever, ague, chicken pox, cancers, 
voracious app(?tite, bites, burns, scalds, salt rheumatism, itch, 
and bad temper. Cures in fifteen minutes by the sun, I'll war- 
rant The reg'lar price is ten dollars; but business is dull, an' 
I'll make it nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one dol- 
lar only — just think of it — a paltry dollar for a cure for all the 
ills that flesh is heir to ? {Dirk aliakes hmd). What! wont give me 
a dollar for the elixir of life ? Then make an oiler — seventy-five, 
sixty cents, four shillings, now! — a quarter, a dime, five cents— a 
penny — for heavings sake, will yon give me a penny ? 

Calamity, (la>/<j/i.wj) Yes, old chap, I'll give you a penny, if 
ye'll take my note fer a year — ha ! ha ! ha ! 

YuuA (2> I itt'uyj hottle hack m pocket, grimly) You're evidently not 
sick, my son. But, now I have something to tickle you (fate a 
mrej'roin hix pocket). The lightning strikes in these wild regions 
frecfuently, endangering human life. I have here a patent, dou- 
ble-twisted, complex action, lightning conductor, warranted sure 
protection against accidents. Let me illustrate to you its won- 
derful efficacy {sticks wire ihimi through hat m that one end jn'otrwlea 
above, arul the other touches his cheek). There ! see ? That's the way 
we wear them. Very simple. an<l warranted a sure preventative 
for lightning or sunstroke. The fluid electricity as a matter of 
course is attracted to the highest ijoint of the wire, and following 
the wire slips off at the eml, tlu' dieek l)eing hard enough tocoun- 
teract the stroke and throw it off' ujKin the gi'ound. Let me sell 
you one, stranger — i)rice ten dollars, oidy, and if the cash is paid 
on delivery, I'll make nine hundred and seventy-five per cent, 
discount ! 

D. Dick.— Well, not at present, I guess ; I'll see you again, if I 
desire to purchase. {Exit Calamity ami Dick, 1 R. E.) 

Yuba (gazing aftcfr them) Wa'll, cuss my clerical boots ef I even 
made a sale. Wonder ef I couldn't sell 'em a hymn book, or 
primmer, a hay fork or a Herrings safe, or a liver pad. Guess not . 
Don't seem to have any sand. Mebbe 1 might touch 'ei^i with a 
.set o' patent clothes-pins, or a stick of spruce gum. 'Spect 1 
hadn't better waist precious time, tho'. Nance Yuba is liable to 
arrive at any moment, so I'll waltz off. Yes, sir-ee, you bet. Oh ! 
I've a tarnel hoep of respect fer feminine attractions, but I'll take 
no more henpecldn', ef ther old church o' Israel knows herself. 
I've been wliipped ; I've been i^oundetl ; I've been scalped an' 
I've been crucified, an' I've had enulT — enutt" — e-n-u-ff — enuff — 
you bet {war-whoop heard off\ R. K.) Thar ! didn't I tell ye? That's 
her, Nance Y'^uba. I told ye she'd be along. She's a comin' ; 



DEADWOOD DICK. 11 

Fmagoiti'l Ta ! ta ! old gal ; sorry tew tear myself off in secli 
short breadths, but dire necessity'll make a feller thinlc castor ile 
is champagne any day. By-by, old screechei*— ye'll excuse me ; 1 
ain't tew home. {Exit, 1 L. E.) 

{Enter Nance ; gazes about through big opera glass.) 

Nance, {grimly) Hev ye seen enytliing of that skunk yet — that 
infernal old blister-plaster, Yank Yuba ? Could hev swore I 
heerd his laff , heerabouts, less than a holy second ago. Oh ! wait 
'til I catch liim ! won't I skin him, tho'? won't I make his heels 
break Ms neck ? won't I snatch 'im bald headed in the jerk uv a 
lamb's narrative, tho'? Oh ! you bet I will. I'll have his blood ! 
Oh! oh! oh-o-o-o! {Exitl li. E. Enter 1 r.e., 8nowhanl:,with right 
liaiul awl eyes upraised, left handacrons breast ; loalki with Ilamld, stride.) 

Snowbank, {tragicalhj) And exclaim-ed this noble Roaring 
Rhinoserious, in thundersome tones : "Aha! revenge! revenge, i 
say — bloody triple distilled essence ob revenge will I hab — a 
bloody revenge. Blood will I spill 'til dar be a second antedilure 
— ave ! echoeth the sweet voice ob de Calapultan range Uood '. 
ftORE ! ! C-C-C-COAGULATED CRIMSON ! ! ! 

{Exit! L. E. Ghse af scene.) 



Scene IV.— Kitchen op Ethel Castleton's nouK.— {Ethel 

seen engaged at rolling out Mscutts on table near center. Stage da/rlcened; 

low symjdwni/ mmic. ) 

Ethel — I wonder what is the matter down yonder {looMng off 
through wiiulow). The street is full of men and boys ; some collect- 
ed in groups, others hurrying to and fro. Something of import- 
ance must have happened. See ! lights are flashing everywhere ! 
What can it mean ? It must be that they are looking for some- 
body— perhaps, Deadwood Dick ! Oh ! heaven forbid ! {still gaze.^ 
through wimlow). If they should catch him, 1 could never forgive 
him for not staying here, as 1 begged him to do. Dear, noble 
Dick, how I love him, and yet every jone else hates and hunts 
him. Ah ! a footstep ! who can it be coming here, at night ? 
Perhaps they come to search for him, but thank Heaven they can- 
not find him here ! {Clasps hanils and holes off '6 L. E. HurriaUy enler 
Deaxlwood Dick, wrap2Jed in cloak. Ethel with cry of joy, springs foru-ard 
and throws arms around his neck. He bows his faee upon her Imir; tab- 
leau. Enter Calamity, quickly. Fames, clasps hand to bosom ami stag- 
gers. 

Calamity— Ah ! She— him ! Oh ! God spare me the sight ! 
{faces partly ahout.) I came not to spy, but I have got the bitter 
proof of his he. Oh ! Dick ! Dick ! I did not tliink this of you, 
who were outwardly so noble. But I have bided my time, earned 
my evidence, and how I shall have my revenge. {Exit, faltering, 
with bowed liend, 3 K. E.) 

Ethel {looking up) Dick ! tell me the truth — oh ! do not deceive 
me ! They are after you? 



13 DEADWOOI) PJCK. 



D. Dick, (shviy) Yes, they are after me. The town is thorough- 
ly aroused, and not without reason. I surprised a half-dozen ruf- 
fians, includiujj: the accursed brute Graveyard George, in the act 
(if assaulting a respectable lady, who was riding through the 
j,iilih. 1 drew my weajmns and dropped a pair of 'em, and then 
siMMug that they were bent on capturing me, 1 ambled olT, per- 
lone coining into town. They pursued me, and gave the alarm 
that has called the people outcH ixmse. They haveguarded every 
avenue of escai)e,and 1 must hide until the excitement dies down. 

Ethkl, (cmto/li/) Then, quick ! Go in there ! [jiUHhituj him off 
toward 2 K. K.) it is my bed chamber, and you will be safe, if 
you are hunted for, lift up a trap in the floor, and drop into the 
cellar. Come, 1 will show you. {EHtloth, 2 R. B.) 

(Enter Caxtlebon, Farley and Q. George, latter in advance 2 L. E. 0. 
George irith drawn rcwhers). 

G. Gkorgk, {U'liiterlngh/, klcHng clmirs out of way) Come erlong, 
ye durned galoots ! 1 ain't afeared ter enter any ranclie in this 
hayr town, not J. Everybody's afeard o' me, ye know, because 
I'm ther boss — tlier Mayor, ye see, as it were, an then, too, et was 
1 who produced the first corpuss fer the cemetary on the bluff 
down yonder. Ho ! ho I thar ain't know body 'round, eh ? Waal 
we may's well be seated, til ther mineress and proprietress o' the 
shebang an-ives. Take some chairs, thar, an' I'll jest squat on 
the table. {Sit^ on tahle, on tap of EtheVs hkcuita, Farley and Castle- 
ton take chairs by 3 L. K.) That's it. Neow, we'll jest linger lieer, 
an' 1 spect we'll catch our leetle game. 

Ethkl, (Enter 3 b. e., spies, iiitrmlers; pame<t; Farley, Castleton 
and G. George tip their hats. Ethel address G. George) Sir! what means 
this intrusion in my house ? 

G. Gf.orge.— Weel, neow, mum, since ye've asked an honest 
question, I'll give an honest answer. We mean bizness— b-i-z- 
biz, n-e-s-ness, bizness ! 

Ethel, (angrily) Business, you miserable loafer— I'll give you 
business, sir, (gives hi7na2nish ami he falls on the floor) There ! get off 
of my table ; don't you see you've been sitting on my biscuits? 
Now, then, clear outof luy house, every one of you — go ! — clear 
out ! (jmnt-i off' 3 h. E.) 

G. George, (sqmtthig onth^ floor, trith evil grin) Won't do it, mum! 

Ethel, (sternly) Sir ! how dare you. 

George, (inth a leer) Because, my beauty, we dare, that's how. 
Ye see we're three duces ter yer lone ace, an' we're high. Oh I 
ye needn't be offish, fer we're after that devilish road-agent, Dead- 
Wood Dick, an' we're goin' tew find him, tew, or raise thunder 
with your shebang. 

Ethel— Deadwood Dick is not here, sir. 

Ethel.— Yure a gol darned liiir, gal, an' ef ye give me eny more 
of "em, I'll cut yer throat fer a l)uzzard. 

Castleton, (i-idng) Tliere, pardner, that'll do. I'll thank you 



DEADWOOD DICK. 13 

not to be so rough, and let me do the talking. Young lady, it is 
quite useless for you to deny the charge Grraveyard (ieorge pre- 
fers against you, for a hundred pairs of eyes saw Dead wood Dick 
come this way, and our eyes saw him enter here. So, you see, we 
are sure of our point. And now, 1 have come here to compro- 
mise. 

Ethbl, (sternly) You, sir ; you ? 

Castleton. — Aye, madam, 1. You speak slightingly, but 
probably its because I am a stranger to you. Allow me to intro- 
duce myself to you — Honorable irii Castleton, of New York — the 
step-father of your late husband, whom 1 unfortunately ai-rived 
too late to see. 

Ethkl, {aiWly) There is surely some mistake, sir. My husband 
never told me that he had a step-father living. 

Castlkton, [UaiKlly) Oh ! very likely. You know Fred was a 
queer, retentive fellow, and rarely spoke of his private all'aii-s, 
even to his best friends. And therefore, 1 am his steij-father, and 
he being, as you probably know, under age, 1 am also his guar- 
dian and executor, by which fact I step into immediate control 
of the Red Rock mine, and wliatever property he may have left 
behind him in addition to the mine. 

Ethel— You come into my house, sir, and tell me tliat you 
propose to take charge of something that does not belong to you. 
Indeed, I never heard the equal of it. Permit me to inform you 
that 1, sir, am Fred Castleton's wife, and only heir, and have 
taken no third party into partnership. Again, 1 request you to 
go, sir. ipoi/itx off, 2 l. e.) 

Castleton, {laugMng) Don't be in a hurry, Mrs. Imperious. 
We shall consult our own inclination about going. In the mean- 
tin)e, 1 am going to give you an outline of some little plans I 
have arranged. Of course you wouldn't care to yield up so nice 
a fortune as the Red Rock mine, and I'll tell you how to arrange 
it. I have it in my power, understand you, to control that mine, 
and own it, and turn you out into the street, disgraced, and at 
the mercy of an unsympathizing public. But this 1 shall not do, 
if you accept my terms. 

Ethel, {scomfally) Tour terms ? 

Castleton. — Exactly — my terms, and they are easy and at- 
tractive. I am a wealthy eastern gentleman of popularity and 
influence. I have already been a candidate for Governor, and 
expect to be run for President. My wife subsided from active ex- 
istence, some time ago, leaving me to find another. I am favor- 
ably impressed with your appearance, and otter to make you my 
wife, and a joint partner in my joys and sorrows ; a sharer of mv 
fortunes, and above all, the very queen among women. Oh! 
fairest lady {droj)'i ufon his knees) do not say nay ; I pray thee do 
not say nay. 



14 DEADWOOl) l)i(JK. 



PARiiKY, (Utngliiiuj Twarseh/, txriiiiuj to George) Waal, neow, the 
old man twts as if he'd bin Ihar l)ofore ; don't he ? 

(iKcuiGK — 1 should veniark— a grizzly courting;' up a rabbit. 

Ethki,, (mivtemphunidy) You can trouble yourself to get up from 
your kn(H>s, sir, as not having swept since morning I cannot guar- 
antee that you will not get tlie knees of your pantaloons dirty. 
As to your oiler, 1 am not at all obliged. When 1 wish to njarry 
a puppy, there are plenty running in the street to choose from. 

CASTiiKTON, {ill a jiasaion) What? what V How dare you, wom- 
an, call use a p\ii)py ? , 

E'l'HKii, {mmi:;tlcaUtj) In the words of your Imll-dog companion, 
liere, sir, {liuUcMiiuj Ge-n'f/e) hermi^e I dare; because you can't come 
it ; because you are a trio of scheming villains, a gang of sneaks, 
whom 1 loathe, despi.-e, abhor, and ilefij! There! i)ut that in 
your pipe and smoke it ; if you don't happen to have a pipe, use 
a cigar-holder ! 

Castlkto.v. {grimly) So you defy me, eh? Well, 1 am prepared 
for that. 1 expected you would, and came armed. Listen. Yon 
refuse to nuirry me , let me tell you that you are not even an 
heir to this property. 1 am prepared to prove that you had a 
husband before you married Fred Castleton, and consequently, 
as the first husband is yet living, you are a bigamist, and not the 
heiress to any of Fred' Castleton's moziey, which reverts to me, 
the next nearest of kin. Look ! there is your dutiful husband, 
{poi.nt'i nwcHmjhjai George.) 

fexUKL, darting ha-ck ami jnittmg vj) her Imruls in horror ; HjienHnfj 
tragically) What? Are you mad— that man my husband— that 
imnhHter / 

Castlktox, (tHumphantly) That man is your husband ; your 
own legal husband. 

Ethkl,, {rai4ng hand m high) Before Almighty God, 1 say it is a 
base, an infamous lie you utter. Oh ! heaven help me ! (2M(ts haml- 
kerchicf to face and weejis, right rating on chair ha,ch.) 

George, {hiaracly) No,"et ain't no lie, woman, an' ye know it. 
Because I'm jiretty, an' liigli toned, an' all that sort o' thing, ye 
ain't a goin' ter" shake me oil' no longer, by a long shot. I'm 
yourn, an' yu're mine, an' whom Jim Shakes, o' Porkespine 
Flats, jined tergether, let no cuss put asunder, ef he don't want 
me ter plant liim — you bet yer boots on't, too. 

Castleton, {nwcUngly) My dear lady, you see how matters 
stand. Proof of the wedding will be volunteered by Farley, here, 
wliich com i)letes the case. You a bigamist go forth in disgrace 
to be pointed and scolTed at by the people, and undt-r sus[)icion 
of being tluMiiurderess of Fred Castleton. 'i'his suspicion 1 will 
augment with a triple testimony of parties who saw you connnit 
the crime, and so as a summary of the matter, the gallows stare 
vou in the face. How like you the prospectus? 



J)EADW0()1) DiCK. 15 

Ethkl, [gmpiibgly, horrified) Villain! monster! Your evil scliem- 
mg is without parallel. 

Castltcton. — l>f course. As Ion;? as one is going to plot, he 
may as well make a speciaity of th(^ l)usiness. (jome, now, you 
have heard me. It is salvaiioa the; one way; death the other. 
Take your choice. Marry me, now, witli your husband's consent, 
here, and all will be well, and your lover, the frisky road-agent, 
shall be aided to escape. Refuvse, and I will advertise you as a 
bigamist and a murderer, and promise you you shall hang ere 
another sunset. What is your answer, yes, or no ? 

Ethel, {sereamtmj} No '. God help me--a hundred times No ! 

Castleto^'^ — Then, curse you, your doom is sealed. Before 
another sunset 1 swear that your neck shall wear Judge Lynch's 
collar ! 

(E)iter Dick, quichly, taHng fitand heai/ie Ethel, ami leveling revoh'exsat, 
CaHtletori). 

Dick— And why not add another trick, you devils, to make the 
game entertaining ? A double neck-tie party would be quite a 
novelty, {ths three viUaim njmrig to their feet, ami staml at hay.) Take 
care ; don't try so pull any pop-guns, my hearties, for I've got 
the drop on you, and the first one who goes to hostilities is a- 
going to shuiiie oti' liis earthly anchorage, in less time tlian it talies 
a Iamb to wri;2:gle his caudle appendage ; and don't you forget it. 

Oastleton" - -Curses on you. Lower those weapons and sur- 
render, for we have come to arrest you in the name of the law. 

Dick, (rooUy) i presume so, and when you spill yourself upon 
me, a half a dozen at a time, r!l endeavor to illustrate to you 
what regard I have for that august body. Come along, I say, if 
you want me to bore Suez tunnels through your systems in a lioly 
second. 

Farley, {griinly) Youd better give up, Cap— we're three to 
your one, and l;ound to iiave you. 

Dick— Then, come right up and get me ; I'm right here ; see, 
1 fold my arjijs. Nov,% then, if you want to win a prize, just 
walk in. I'm open for business, Ua! ha! ha! afraid, eh ? {enter 
Calamity,! n. K.,aml glide hehiml Dirk, hold imj a jmtol leveled at hix 
head] Well, I daiesay. (laughs grimly). I believe it has been said 
by prophets that no single iiilgrnn ever walked the streets of the 
town who could take Dead wood Dick alive ! 

Cak AMITY, [sarcoHtically) But tliose prophets failed to mention 
women, did they not. Ha ! ha ! Dead wood Dick, ijoii. ai-e my pris- 
oner now. 

Dick, {hohing arouml in Hurpri'ie, Ethel clinging to his wrm) What! 
yov., Calamity V 

Calamity, {uithamnkamlamd) Yeou just bet your boots — /, 
Calamity. 

Dick, (laughing) Ha ! ha ! I see, you are fooling. 

Calamity, {cMolly) Not worth a cent. You are my game, and 



DKADWOOl) DICK. 



if you budfjje a hair's brea<Ith I'll put your light out in a jilxy. 
Tliat's the kind ol' an eyoster 1 am ! 

1)iCK, (xtiUiii .turpriie) But Cilaiuity, I can hardly account for 
this. 5'o« are the last one 1 would have supposed would betray 
nie to death. 

CAJ.AMITY — And you, sir, apparently noble and true, were the 
last one 1 would have helieved utifaithful, until — until 1 saw witli 
my own eyes the damning-; proof. You rcMiiember 1 told you 1 
would have revenpie, when I found you faithless ; behold ! This 
is my revenge ! Men, {to Ca4let<»i,itr,.,) while 1 keep his ribs covered 
you can seciu'e him, (Farley ami (iiumje ijinngforicar'l to secure hvii.) 

Ethkl. (cUmjln/j tf> him, 2>itGt»i--<hj) Oh ! spare him — do not take 
him. Oh ! Dick ! what shall 1 do to save you 'i 

Dick — Nothing, my dear , be brave, and all will yet be M^ell. 
You know Deadwooil J)lck well enough to know he has faced 
death a hundred times before, and always escaped. Such shall 
be the i)resent result. Calamity, {t'lndru/ t-c her) you have done 
right. Had 1 explained and proven my faith witlx you, as 1 luul 
the power to do, you would not have done this. Dehold I the 
the woman whom you have been jealous of, and whom ev^eryone 
has known as Mrs. Castleton, is my own -oister {CulamUy Htaggers 
hack). Go ahead, you rufBans ; 1 am ready to go. 

{Galami'y draw on her knees, aivi fades JJkk, her hMwls da.-^>eil in mnte ■*, 
HU2>2ili,(Mti)ii ami face idteou-i. Spealiny iialhetirully) : 

Calamity — Oh! Dick! Dick! forgive me — pray God to forgive 
nie for what 1 have done to you. 

Dick, QyenMng on one knee ami ki-ismj Jter forehead) You are fully 
an^l freely forgiven. Calamity, for yours was a move in the dark. 
Cheer up, now, and help my sister to l)e bravt^. (Turn'i to Farley.) 
Lead on, sir traitor, 1 am ready. {EHt Farley ami Oarveyard Gc/rae 
2 L. E., leaxlimj Dick beticeen tliem. Calamity n<eH andtjoe* over to Ethel.) 

Calamity. — And will you, too, forgive me, lady, for my rash 
act— my jealous deed ?— and in our love for the biave man who 
has gone out to his death, shall we join hands as sisters working 
for his salvation ? 

Ethkl — Yes, my friend ; it shall be as you say {jmi^ her arm 
arouml Calamity) You are so brave, that 1 almost know you can 
help my brother to escape. 

Calamity, (slapjdn-g her thitjh enthmia.'iticaUy) You bet your pile 1 
can and will, sister. Ef I don't free Dead wood Dick, you just 
take a poker and knock me on the head, that's all. I'll show ye 
what fer gal Calamity Jane is, directly. Oh ! I'm a reg'ler ourang- 
outang, when 1 get agoin'; but ye see I've been Id nder cloudy 
lately;; but the storm's blown over, now, an' I'm all hunk agin'. 
(to Castleton) Well, what you waitin' fer, you ugly son of a cayote ? 
Git up an' git, now, ter oncet, or VUjire you out. 

f;ASTi,KTON. — Ha! ha! plucky talk for a small chipmunk; 



DEAD WOOD DICK. 17 

but you see I'm not in the least alarmed. Mrs. Castleton, beloved 
creature, I await your decision. 

Calamity.— Mrs. Castleton says, nix-cum-a-rous ! When she 
wants to marry a gorrilla, she'll select a better looking one than 
you. Cum ! I say, you paddle right away out, if you don't want 
rue to doctor your lungs with plumbago pills {drmm a revolver and 
covers Castleton) Git, I say I I'll count three, then if your coat tails 
ain't seen disappearin' through yonder doorway, off goes the top 
of your skull, like a Hash of electric light. One ! twa! — 

Castleton.— Hold on, I'll go. I don't care to pass in my checks 
yet. To you, Ethel Castleton, I tender my respects, and give you 
a standing oflter to come forward and marry me within the next 
twenty-four hours. Should you fail to do so, you know the pen- 
alty. I am going now. Ta ! ta ! {:waves his hand and exit 2 L. B.) 

Ethel, {in relief ) Thank heaven, he is gone. 

Calamity — Pooh ! I ain't afeard of a dozen like Mm '. But 
come; let's seek the inner rooms, where we will not be overheard, 
and arrange our plans together. {Exit loth, 3 R. B. Close of scene 
and act.) 



ACT III. 

[Scene I,— Court Room. Judge's stani back C. Judge in his 
Seat. Deadwood Dick, in charge of Farley and Gr. (ieorge, R. 
C, also, Castleton, miners, citizens, &c., scattered about.] 
Pete— Judge,, (rising in his stand and. ojjening hooh) Shendlemons 
and vimmins off dis grandt shury : Dish pe von solemncholly oc- 
casions, ven id peecoomes our duty to try von prisoner called 
Deadwood Dick vor der crimes oft' murder {tahes a sicig from buttle 
on table). In der capacity off Shudge I ish asked to conduct der 
trial, und I dond vos like dot much. Id calls me avay from mine 
saloon, vere der pe von big profits on der sale off lager bier, und 
1 don't much like dot, eider, any more ash der odder. It keeps 
me avay from mine vimmens, und neider vas I bleased mit dot. 
{strikes de-ik with ruler.) Py shimminy gi-acious, und my vife Ka- 
trina ! I dond vas care swi nickles apoud pein Shudge, anyhow. 
{takes another drink). 

Castleton. — Proceed, sir, to examine and condemn the noted 
outlaw. We don't care what you like ; we simi3ly want to see 
Deadwood Dick pay the penalty of his many crimes ; want to 
watch liim perform some specialties in mid-air, upon the tight- 
rope. 

Pete— Vel, you needn't pe so mad apoud it. Uff I haff to con- 
demn dis prisoner mit der bar, I do id yoost so quicker as tunder. 
Go aheadt mit your testimony ; I vil lisden vid rapt attensions ; 
yaw, dot ish so ! {take» a long drink from bottle.) 

Castleton— No particular testimony is needed. This Dead- 
wood Dick has long been known throughout the Black Hills 



18 J)EA1)W()()I) DICK. 

country, as a desperado, rulUan and human terror, Avithout par- 
allel, and has been known to be tlie author of a hundred crimes, 
last amonp; which was the shootiriii; of some miners, yesterday, 
without jn-ovocation. Is this not a truthful statement of the 
case, gentlemen ? 

Crowd, {ia a chnua) Aye! aye! that's it, you bet. 

Castlkton, {turning to Judge) You see, don't you ? The verdict 
is unanin)ously against the prisoner, and that no further evidence 
of his guilt is necessary. 

Petk. — Yaw ! yaw ! you mage 'im oiid shuste like vot you vant 
'im, ehV Vel. dot ish goodt ! But maybe der brisoner hcOialf 
somedings der say apoud it, himself ; vot you dink apoud dot, 
eh ? Dond you vos got anvdings der say, Misder Deadwood 
Dicks ? 

DrcK, (cooUij) Were I inclined to defend myself, sir, I hardly im- 
agine any explanation I could offer would bear weight in this 
crowd. Therefore, I have nothing to say. Go aliead with your 
little game, as suits your notion. I am your prisoner ; take ad- 
vantage of this fact, and put me out of the way, lest I get free 
and put you in the same condition. 

Pete — Vel, py shiminy gTacious, (.swite tJw d^enk) unt my vife 
Katrina ! I hopes I may neffer drink anodder lager bier off 1 
ever seed der peet off" dot. (tote a drinh.) Shentlemens und vim- 
mins off dish grand shury, dot veller vos von hero. 1 like 'im 
shoost so mooch vot I like mine lager, {takcii an >ther drink). Ven a 
feller stood up mit himself und dells you he vos your brisoner, 
und it vos your privilege do ash you blease, it shows dot he vos a 
hero — von prave noble son off a gun vot would lick dunder und 
plitzen right oud off you ven you put him on equal footing. 

Castlbton, {amjrily) Look here, you Dutch blunderbuss, d'ye 
suppose we"re going to take your views ? Not by a devilish sight. 
Go ahead and condemn that prisoner, sir, or I'll borrow a revol- 
ver and send a bullet through your thick craniuju. 

Pete — Vas ? You vil put von pullet through mine sgranicum, 
you say ? {produce;^ a sJwt-gun arui aims it at Castleton). Vel, now, I 
pet you yoost life dollars und a three cent bostage stamper dot 
you vos shoking, eh ? vot you say ! 

Castleton, {tc> the crmcd) Curse it, gentlemen, will you see such 
work as this ? Draw your weapons and blow that idiot's brains 
out (aU draw reiwhem). 

Pete, {in alarm, putting la^k gun) Shtop ! shtop ! I sey ! I takes 
it all pack. I vos yoost fooUng, dots all. I vill do der square 
dings mit you — yaw, dot ish so. I herepy sentence dot criminal 
at der bar to pe hanged py der neck undil he vas deader ash a 
door nail, at ten o'clock ter-morrow noon ; and may der duyfel 
haff mercy on my soul and poddy, und increase der sales off mine 
saloon. Dot's all ; der court ish done ; adjourn to der bung-hole 
saloon for ice cold lager ! (leaps down in front of desk and exit 3 L. E.) 

Castleton— Ha ! ha ! that's the ticket, boys. Three cheers 



DEADWOOD DICK. 19 



now— then off goes our famous outlaw to his prison cell. Hip ! 
hip — hurrah ! hurrah ! hurrah ! {all jviii in, then all ea:it, with Iwots, 
yells, dc. Close of scene. ) 



ACT IV. 

Thk Dkadwood Jail. [Dead wood Dick half reclining on floor 
near stool on wliieh a candle burns, gazing at the floor.] 
Dick, {sUndy and grimly) Well, 1 aui here at last, in a pi-ison 
cell, with the death of a dog staring me in the face. My poor sis- 
ter has been to bid me a last good-bye ; no one else will come. 
My comrades, away in their mountain aerie, j^i-obably will hear 
nothing of my capture until it is too late to save me ; and Ca- 
lamity — Calamity, she will not come. Something tells me that 
she will not come. My brave little heroine of the Hills, the only 
one of her sex who ever looked kindly upon my outlawed head, 
except my darling, faithful sister. And she, too, in peril — may 
Grod in heaven watch over and protect her. (boios Jm head in hands 
ami is silent a few seconds.) 1 would that 1 could gain my liberty but 
a single hour, that I might battle with the devilish schemer Cas- 
tleton. Then I would be content to die. A fellow cannot live 
forever— the grim hand touches every pilgi-im, sooner or later, 
and he is a coward who whines when if hovers over him. Ha ! 
ha ! they think to see me treinble when 1 meet face to face the 
merciless noose that is to hang me. Let them wait, and learn 
that Deadwood Dick has too long faced death to fear to meet it. 
True, there are stains upon my soul, but God helping me, not a 
villainous nor a cowardly stain. True it is, that men have met 
me and fallen, but they were wretches and ruffians who held no 
love or even respect for man, woman, babe— or God. Perhaps I 
shall have to answer for their deaths, but it shall be bravely, in 
the reflection that I liave done humanity an everlasting service 
Ha ! {Enter George heariny a loaf of bread, which he tosses u^Mn floor in 
front of Dick.) 

George, {lioarsely) Thar's a present fer ye, ye infernal road- 
agent, ef ye're hungry. I opine ye'd better chaw on it, fer ye 
won't git no better in this howtel while I'm landlord. 

Dick, {gazing at floor)Yery well ; if 1 grow hungry, I will eat it. 
Do you feel disposed to name the giver ? 

George, {thrusts chew of toha^cv int<nnouth) Waal, I don't know's 
it's any harm tellin' ye. It was thet cussed gal who calls herself 
Calamity Jane. Ef I don't mistake, she'll pass in her chips, be- 
fore long, onless she shuffles off less of her slack. Why, curse my 
boots if she didn't step up to the Gov'ner, a bit ago, down at the 
saloon, an' hit liim a slap in the smeller wot nigh ujjset him ■ an' 
then she up an' dared any lailgrim present to come and knock 
her hat oft'. 
Dick, {howing hvi head) Brave, fearless calamity. She never 



PEADWOOD DICK. 



seemed to know what it was to be afraid. Tell ine, sir ruffian, 
how long it is 1 have yet to live? 

Gkorgk, milkinij off. 3 li. K.) Waal, 1 reckon about four hours ; 
its gittiu' six in the morning, now. How dy'e feel, ready ter slip 
yer atmos|)here ? 

Dick, (cmUi/) When the hour comes for Deadwood Dick to die, 
you will find him ready. 

Gkohgk— Waal, ye're mighty cool about it. Guess you'll 
change yer tune, tho', when it comes to the tug o' war. 11a 1 ha ! 
ha ! {UitujIiH hiarady awl exit.) 

Dick, (bwhing after him) Curse the fellow ; I would I could be 
free to show liim the fear 1 have for such as he. Ah! (turnnand 
picks up tite bread) I wonder what prompted Calamity to send me 
this loaf. Can it be that she feels kindly disposed toward me, 
and wishes to add to my comfort in the few houi-s 1 have yet to 
live ? It woidd seem so. And yet, 1 suspect that this loaf has a 
meaning ; what it be I do not know, unless— unless-. -(^^ayw&s and 
hefh the l)uf) vniless there is more than bread in its composition, 
lla ! the thought has reason. Perhaps th(^ bread is loaded, and 
for a good purpose. Anyhow, 'twill take but a moment to find 
out. (cratrls to stool, 2>lai'es candle on floor, sits on stool, then hreahs thehaf 
in twain, and finds parhtgein side.) Ila ! 1 was not wrong in my sus- 
picion. {pulU package out of haf, and umrra^is it dlHcoterin{j a revolver.) 
And here is the contents. A weapon with which to shoot my 
jailor and then make my escape. Ah ! I can no longer doubt 
that Calamity still believes in me, and is keeping away for a pur- 
pose. But, alas, her jjains are of no avail. 1 have been taken, 
tried, and condemned to die, and I shrill pay the forfeit. Were a 
hundred chances open for escape, I would not take advantage of 
them. 1 will hang and pay the debt I owe justice ; then, God 
helping me, I will arise, Phenix like, a free, unfettered man, whom 
no law in this land can molest. Something tells me I will win. 
If I fail — then, may God have mercy upon me — and that one who 
holds the knowledge that will save me ! {rises, folds arms ami gases 
heavenward, as if in frayer. Close of scene. 



ScENK III.— THE Plaza or Park. [Enter Col. Yuba, peering 
about, 1 R. e; with prolonged whistle, looking otf audience, 
hands in breeches pockets.] 

Col. Yuba— Waal, cuss my clerical boots ef I ain't eluded her 
agin. Gosh ! but its bin nip and tuck atween us, whether she 
ordered or I passed, an' as fate would hev it, I got in the most 
laps to the mile, and heer I am, still alive, (lauglis) 'Spect her 
along every minnit. (peers arowml nervously while speaking/.) She's on 
a reg'lar war-path, after scallaps, an' don't yer fergit it. But she 
can't git much more wool from my plantation {raises Jiat and re- 
veals hold head) no sir-ee bob-tail hoss. She's harvested my crop 
spvnriel times already, an' owing to phrenological reasons, thar 



DEADWOOD DICK. 21 

ain't no more left. Verily, young men, ye behold in me an ave- 
rage specimen uv ther henpecked husband ! My constertoochin 
is shattered, my speerit kerlapsed, an' my hair gone ! Nothin's 
left but skin an' bones. Don't take me for a lone comparison, 
but gaze around ye at the bald headed Congi'essmen j^resent, who 
hev bin thru ther masheen. Take my advice, don't git married 
—don't. It's all nice enutT first along, while yer pocket book an' 
ther candy shop holds out, an sai'cuses dispense wash-tub lemon- 
aide — but arter that look out fer squalls — especially arter the 
first year. How Nancy Lida Marier Yuba would larrup 'im ef she 
was ter sail in jest now. {I'wks arouiul ami discovers roye hanging down 
fromjiies.) Hello ! what's this ? {goes and peers around it, curioudy.) 
Bet a chaw of Christyun terbacker thet's whar they're goin' ter 
lynch ther road-agent, Deadwood Dick. Phew ! ef I ain't struck 
a gold mine, jest kick me fer a mule. I'll jest stay erround hyar, 
an' git the job of preechin' ther funeral sermon. Ther galoot as 
combines bizness with jjleasure is ther one Avho eventually gits 
ther presidency — of an assylum. {irrocures a high I)oxoiitof2L,.E., 
ami perches himself on it, R. c.) Thar ! patience on a dry goods box 
will answer as well as patience on a monument. Now, let me 
cogitate. What fer sermon will be appropriate fer tliis solem- 
cholly occasion. Ah ! I have it — Reverlations, an' a verse from 
the tifty-oneth slam. Hello ! here they come now. (Clavwr of 
voices heard app-oaching . Enter Sheriff, George ami Farley, leading 
BicTc ; Castleton, 8nowhanh, Miners, Jiegulators, &c. G, and F. lead 
Dich beneath noose ami stand off several paces ; Slieriff" stands near him ; 
other^i distributed R. and L. c.) 

Sheriff, (glancing at watch) Edward Harris, alias Deadwood 
Dick, the hour set for your execution is at hand, and the unpleas- 
ant job of hanging you has been left to nie, the Sheriff of this 
district. I am sorry, therefore, because it is a duty I hate and 
despise, yet cannot shirk. It is not for me to say whether you 
deserve hanging, or not ; it is only for me to accept the verdict 
of the people, and perform the distasteful task imposed uj)on me. 
If you have any prayers to offer or any requests to make, I will 
give you a few moments resjjite. 

Yuba, (rising on his perch ami waving hat) Hold on ! hold on ! I 
want that job ! I want that job ! Ef ye want a fust class, reg'ler 
old snortin' prayer what'll do ye more good'n a dose o' salts, I'm 
ther man fer yer bizness — ther Reverend Colonel Yankee Doodle 
Yuba, at yer service, an' ther bossiest old preecher in these hills, 
you bet. Jest give me the cue, now, how ye want it did, young 
feller, an' at ther same time modestly slip a ten dollar William 
inter my reverend hand, an' cuss ]uy boots ef I don't give ye one 
oHerin' that'll send ye inter Caanan like slippin' off'n a greased 
log. [hwl war-iclwop outside; Yuha looks tcild) Oh! gosh! all fish 
hooks, ef thar don't cum Nancy Lida Marier Yuba, now, like a 
roarin' buffler bull ! I must vamoose agin', {hastily leaps from hox, 



J)EADW()()D DICK. 

fdlh, I'ise'i, stiini/jleii, faUi, rUea, rum a<faiiint Snowbank, both fail ; enter 
Nance Yuha, dasMnfj her whip ami gwing vent to war ichoojjn: sees Yank, 
rua/ies at him hlsshuj "blood;'" lie rise-i and erit 3 L. E., she fvU/ncs, fallt 
over Sn/>icbank, erit 2 L. K.) 

Sn(.)WBA1\ k, {ridn(j aiul li?njnn(/ about, climbs upon box, Htrik&H attitude) 
lUood! Gove I Coagulated crimson ! 

i)iCK, {after pauHe) V have no prayers to offer, more than I have 
[)rt'viously" ori'ered— no requests to make, sir SheritT ; nor do 1 
blame you, wliose duty 1 full Avell understand. Go ahead, sir, 
and do your duty. 1 fear and love my Master, but I do not fear 
to die. 

Castlktox, {aside) Curse me, bttt he is calm. I expected to see 
him on his knees, {to Judge Lynch) Go ahead, Sheriff ; don't stand 
on ceremony, but string the ruffian up ! 

Dick, {to 'Ca4leton, sternly) You need not be unduly fast, my 
friend, you Avill soon have the pleasure of seeing Deadwood Dick 
dangling by the neck in mid-air, and knowing that your rival in 
fortune is forever stilled. But mind you, Ira Castleton, and hear 
me swear it, that even after death shall have silenced my strug- 
gles, and 1 shall have canceled my account with justice — then 
will 1 come back to hound you down to your grave. Sheriff, I 
am ready ! Proceed with the pic-nic ! 

Calamity, {quickly entering, 2 K. E., sternly) Stop ! in the name 
of the law, stop ! 

Lyxch — Well, girl, what's wrong? What do you want? 

Calamity— I'll tell ye what 1 want, old ueck-streteher; I'll tell 
ye what 1 want! 1 want the pj'ivilege o' puttin' the noose about 
Deadwood Dicks throat, so it'll do the job, an' not have no half 
way business about it. 

Ckowd, {all stepping a pace toward her) What, you hang Deadwood 
Dick ? 

Calamity, {grimly) Aye I /want to hang Deadwood Dick Is 
there anything surprising in that ? 1 caused his arrest, didn't I ? 
but that ain't enough, lie deceived me, lied to me, and 1 told 
him 1 would have revenge. 1 want it now ; I want to fix that 
.rope so well around his gidlet that he'll never open his eyes after 
I say he ! oh ! heave ! And that's the kind of a hair-pin I am. 

Crowd, {in c1ii>run) Hurrah / hip ! hip ! huri-ah ! 

Parley, {steppvuj forward) Kick me fer a mule, boyees, ef the 
gal ain't right, and 1 say let her do the biz. The cursed road- 
agent fooled around with her until she lost several good chances 
to marry, includin' myself, fer instance, an' I'm uv ther opiuyun 
that she orter hev revenge. 

Snowbank, {waving his big knife and cleaver cvcitedly) Aye ! re- 
venge, cried the noble Koarin' iihinoserious, in a voice of thun- 
der-claps— y^^iye .' blood! GORE! COAGULATED CRIMSON! 

Calamity — Come ! ye galoots — what's the word ! Am I to have 
the pleasure of giving the prisoner a starter, or am I not? 



DEADWOOD DICK. 23 

Castleton— Well, if you are particularly desirous of the job, 
go ahead, eh, boys ? All in favor of standing off an' lettin' Ca- 
lamity Jane hang the road-agent, please make it manifest by 
saying I. 

Crowd— I! I! I! I! I! 

SxoWBANK, {spealing through hands) We ! us ! heer, fo' suah 1 

Lyxch— Very well, young woman, the job is yours. 1 having 
no hand in it, will retire, as I have no desire to witness the scene . 
{Exit 2 L. B. Calamity ap2Jroaches Dick. SymyJwny music hy orchestra.) 

Calamity, {shno, measured tones) Deadwood Dick, your time has 
come to die. Have you anything to say, before I send you to that 
haven of departed spirits, where there is no death, no treachery 
and deceit, no sinfulness and sorrow ? 

Dick — I have nothing to say. 

Calamity, {turning to Farley and George) Then several of you be 
ready to pull, after 1 noose him, and give the word.— [Seizes 
noose end of rope and proceeds to fasten it around Dick's neck. 
Gfeorge, Farley and others seize loose end of rope, walk back c, 
ready to pull.' Calamity finishes noosing, and wraps a shawl 
around Dick's head, face and shoulders ; then kneels in front of 
him, with head bowed on knees, pause as in prayer, low sym- 
phony music. Finally raises face and eyes aloft, with clasped 

hand ; speaks in pathetic, choked voice] Dick, I have prayed 

for you as woman never prayed before ; I have plead for you, 
and now— now good-bye, and may God in heaven have mercy on 
your soul. Are you ready, Dick 'i 

Dick, {slowly) Calamity, I am ready to die. 

Calamity, {Hsing and reeling off, 2 R. E.) Then, when the negro 
couirts one, two, tlu-ee, let the rope be pulled, and fastened, and 
this spot left in sacred silence to the dead. Oh! Dick! Dick! 
Dick ! {exit 2 R. E., sobbing) 

Farley, {grimly) Give us the word, nigger ; we're ready to 
give him the boost. 

Snowbajjk, {wildly) Oh ! lordy massy sabe dis yar chile ! One, 
two, free times ! Whoop 'em up ! 

{Men pull Did into mid-air. Snoicbanh fings, others joining . Dich 
struggles, finally ceases. Men, aU hut Snowbank, file off of stage at finish 
of first cJionis.) 
-^•^ SONG: 

AIR— "JOHN brown's boby. "—{SrmcbanJc.) 

Oh ! we'll hang Dick Deadwood to a black walnut tree, 
To a black walnut tree, to a a black walnut tree. 
Oh ! we'll hang Dick Deadwood to a black walnut tree, 
As his soul goes marching along. 
{Choi'us, hy crowd. Snowbank leading, ming Tmifefor baton) 



^l DEADWOOD DICK. 

Glory ! glory halleluge^-a?^ / 
Cxlory ! glory halleluger-a/ft/ 
Glory I glory halleluger-ff/w/ 

As his soul goes inarching on. 

(Crowd fie out while sinking. Snoicbank continues, not noticing their exit, 
his eyen vjn-aised.) 
Oh ! he was a scaly customer when he roamed upon de earf , 
When he roamed upon de earf, when he roamed upon de earf; 
So we had to noose his neck, you see, an' boost him from de turf. 
And his soul goes marchin' on ! 

Glory! glory! hallelujer-a?».' 
Glory! glory! hallelujer-a/tt.' 
Glory I glory I hallelujer 

(D'o/iiH aroioul find (JiHcoverx himself ah>ne tcioh the corpue) de debbil ! 
Oh ! de Lor' haJ) mercy on dis yar chile, (leaps from ho.v,falU dmcn, 
scrajiMcH ahout denperatdy—cJiaiwefor '■'■hn-nne^n,'''' and ejcit 2 L. E. Close 
of Act.) 



ACT v.— The Bung-Hole Salook. 

Scene I — Tlie Bar-room oftlie "Bang-lwle"' — Bar axross covner L. C. 

Barkeeper enga<fedin mojipint/ of'h(/r. Chair and tahlen on other aide. 

Pretzel Pete sealed in arm clmir front centre, .si/ff/cimj lon</ pipe.) 

Pete, {hokinff uj)) Y el, i)y shimiiiiny gi-acious, unt my vifeKa- 
trina. 1 don't know vas ish der matter mit me, so helb me. 
l-'urst I vas dry shust like a lobster ; den 1 vas get thursdy ash 
der duyfl, yust like as if dar vas life salt parrel mit der inside of 
my j)elly oud. (t'liba hU paanch.) Uen I vas drink six lagers find 
feel petter ash 1 vas jiefore, und swi dimes pigger. I dond know 
vas ish der matter. Der docter he look droubles mit his face, und 
say ash vat I vas changeable, und he vil sit him down und dink 
vat vas der matter , und ven 1 look around, he und my vife 
Katrina dey pe visperin' mit each odder's ears — dey. den point 
mit der docter jjooks, und puts deir mouths togedder yust like a 
ham sandwiches.' Den der docter he come und dells me if 1 
drinks swi kegs of lager, ettery day, 1 vas get petter ash good. I 
do youst Vcit he say, und 1 vas vorser as goot. I vas uneasy mit 
mine pelly. I dink somedings vas in dere, und pime \)i I explode 
youst like a firecracker. Mein Gott in Heimel, vot a muss dere 
pe den for Patsy to mop up ! 

Patsy, {shaJd'n'j fst) Ah ! bad cess to the loikes av yes. If yez 
burst yer biler here, I hope 1 may niver see me own wake if 1 
tich a divil a wan av the contents. 

{Enter stranger, 1 L. ii., lot dr^i about, speaks oxide) Ah! the place is 
deserted of its usual crowd, and I can rest here in peace, (to Pete) 
My good friend, have you any objections to my resting here a 
! bovt time? I ••in foot-soveand weary and would like to sit down. 



DEADWOOD DICK. 25 



Phte, (gruffly) Den vy dond you do it. Vos ye want me to git 
up und carry you mit a* shair, ven 1 vas so frail und shlender ?• 

Stranger, (lau/jMng) Well, no, 1 guess I can get to a seat, 
{(Iraics chair front 3 L. E., 'a)ul seated) although it is five days since I 
tasted a mouthful of food, mind you. 

Pete, [excitedly) Vos ? Vot you dells me, dot ? Fife days since 
you vas half somedings to eat ? 

Stranger— Exactly, sir. For that length of time I have lain 
in the mountains, unable to walk or even crawl about, until to- 
day, when I made a determined effort to reach tliis town. 

Pete, (hitting haml with Jist) Shimminy gi-acious, und mine vife 
Katriiia ! vot a duyfel of a sijell you iiiust half all de wile. Dea'dt 
droonker as a door-nail, I s'bose, eh ? 

Stranger — Far from that, my friend. A knife thrust here in 
my side was the difficulty , something that came nearly finishing 
me. {comfimon of voice'i) Ah! what's the matter, now '? {party rises.) 

Pete, {calmly) Oh ! sit sdill und dond pe foolishness. Dot vas 
only some peeples vot coom down mit mine saloon und sing und 
dance, yust to make dings lifely. Der pe Calamity Shaney, she 
sing von song, und dar pe myself who dance von valse, und py 
sliimminy gi-acious, der pe mine parkeeber, Patsy Mulligan, he 
dance a shigger. An' 1 dell you ve haff von goot time. Yaw, 
dot ish dem. (rises, e/Uer Calamity, S}imd)ank, miners, d;e.) 

Calamity, {shaUng Jia/uls uUh Pete) Hello ! old hogshead, how 
you wasn't all de vile ? Where's yer audience, an' who's goin' to 
sing to-night ? 

Pete, {taking h^r arm, ioth facing front) Vel, Shaney, ole gal, you 
vas one, don' id ? Dot ish von. Den I vos large enough vor two 
—dot makes id three dimes, eh ? Den dar pe Patsy Mulligan, he 
make four, und we hail' a quarterette, dond you vas see ? 

Calamity — Yes, that is so. Then, here's the coon, too. Say, 
Pompey, can you sing ? 

Snowbank, {jjutting iip hands) Gwaffni me, chile. Don't go 
asperse dis yar noble tragedian's characjter by callin' me Pompey. 
I'se no Pompey ; I'se Edwin Booth John McCullough Snowbank 
from Henry Ward Beecher's Brooklyn Theatre. I'se a cousin to 
Bill Shakespeare, i is, fo' suah, an' half brudder to Scarf Pin 
Harry Sargent, an' you better not go to busin me, sah, or 111 cut 
you deep, cut you with a tooth-pick, {draws Ug knife) I'se a bad 
chile — I'se a noble tragedian. When I gets mad, 1 make things 
smoke, Iz you want me to read you a tragedy of thrilling six per 
cent, interest, I'se yer pic-nic, ebery time. Just listen {strikes an 
atoitude) and I'll rehearse my sublme tragedy, entitled "De 
Roarin' Rhrinoserious of de Catajjultan Range." De posphor- 
escent shades op de nocturnal periodical war perigrinatin' dow^n 
ober de antediluvian landscape, an' de smoulderous claps of 
electric lightning was playin' froo de seams an' wrinkles ob de 
physognomy ob antiquated nature, and pictursquee flashes ob 
jarring thunder were — 



Ji; DKADWoul) DiCK. 

CALAMrTY. (iiitcri'iiptlivj /(i//t» Tliere ! thafll do; you needn't 
{;ive us no more. Tliat's sutticient. 

Pktk — Vaw ! dot vas enulfs. ^'^e dond vos any pody sick 
around here, und dond need sum physic like dot. So youst you 
hlease to go oud mit der sdable and rehearse mit der shackasses. 

Skowbaxk. {hidiixj /leave/iirard) Ahis ! such is fate. l)e true es- 
sence ol) me^atherian genius nebber is ai)preciated among de 
eonniion trasli I Oh ! Shakespeare, look down on dis yar chile, 
an' behold de state ob unappreciated eloquentiousness-ness-ness. 

Pktk, (to cnnrd) Vel, shendlei'nens, pizness is pizness, so be seat- 
ed .und treat von mit der odder mit lager beer, und Miss Shane 
(ialamity she vil treat you mit a song, [ineiihemme ^eateil) Eh ? Ga- 
lamity, dond you vas giff us one V 

Calamity— Well, Peter, if you'll go a, song and dance, I'll sing. 
[motion-i for uindc) What d'ye say ? 

Pktk— Vel, so helb me gracious, I vil try id. {Calamity cuhancea 
frtntt. >ii///i]i/iiiiii/: t/ic/i (Uilundty hIiujs xmnj. After she fi/mhe-s xoDg) Hhhu- 
nn'ny gracious, uinl mine vife Katerina'! Dot vos der burtiest 
song vot I netter hearel before. Id yoost dakes der rag right mit- 
oud der bush off. 

Calamity — Well, now, wasn't it, tho' V Spect it would make a 
mule smile. 1 sa?, s'posin' some o' you pilgrims take up a col- 
lection for the widders and orphans, wliile Peter tlie Great war- 
bles. {Snoicbank oheys, pnttin/j money In iiocket.) Go ahead. Peter, 
give us a lager beer operah I 

Pktk, [doh-fnlly] You von't snieker at me, Galamity ? 

Calamity— Oh I no — 1 won't even pucker my mouth, Pete— so 
go on. 

Pe'J'K— Veil den I sings ; put oft' you sees mine fron Katerina 
coomin' yoost dells apoud it, for she gift' me der duyfel ven she 
cosches me singin' ojierah ! 

(Syviphony; then Pretzel xiiigs, alljoimng in chontf,.) 

CoMK Tickle Mk. 

1 ish von jolly Deitcher mans, « 

Und Peter vos mine name, 
I keejjs dot heer J-Jung-llole saloons. 

Und fast vas gainin' fame. 
But sdill I vas in droubles, mooch, 

All on der 'coundt, you see, 
Apoud dem leedle purdty gals 

Who say, "Coome tickle me." 

(^^joA:e«) Yaw, dot vas vot dey dells me, ell'ery dimes dey meed 
me mit der street oud, und ven mine vife she hears apoud it, she 
proomsticker 'em oud mit der vront door oud ; und yoost den 
von off dem mashers she stuck her headt in der |)erhindt der door 
tind speaks to me like dis : 



DEADWOOD DICK. 



Chorus— Come dickle me, come dickle me, 

Vy dond you coom und dickle me ? 
I like id very mooch, you see. 
So yoost coome along und dickle me. 

( Lungha ami holds his sides tpJiile orchestra plays symphony,) 
I dond know vot to dinks of id, 

I,d seems so verry strange, 
Vor all der beeple vink ad me 

Like ulT I haff no prains. 
Und den der pe der sausage mans 

Who keebs der catter-ee, 
1 W say ven he presents his pill, 

"Yoost coome und dickle me." 

(S'poken) An' dof s yoost how id goes. Pirsdt id vas der vimmins, 
■ ley vants me to dickle 'em, den id vas der men, und efen der 
leedle dogs mit der street dey viggie der tails yoost like as if dey 
vant me der dickle em, t6o. But der vorses off all dish pizness, 
I vas goin' up der sdreet der odder night, und Ispiedadrim 
graceful vimmins cummin' along mit a face wid a vail ofer, und 
says I, I haff foon mit her all de vile. So I yust steps up mit her, 
und bunches her mit my finger in der rib to spare, und says 
"Coonie dickle me, coome dickle me," ven, mein Gott in Heimel, 
she hauled off und knocked me down dot flatter ash a pancookie 
—so help me gi-acious ! Und ven I got up she knock me down 
agin' — und ven I get up swi dimes, i find id pe mine vife Kate- 
rina ! Shimminy gi-acious how she did dickle me den mit der toe 
oft" her stocking. 1 neffer vas so dickled in all my life. Und ven 
1 go oud on der bromenade now, you pet your sweed life I dond 
vas visper any more : 

Chorus— Coome dickle me, coome dickle me, 

Vy dond you vas coome und dickle me ? 
I like id very much, you see. 
So yoost cooms along und dickle me. 

Calamity, [when he Jinuhes) Bully fer you, Peter. You'll make 
a good Singer if the world lasts long enough (even if you don't 
make a Wheeler). Now, then, {turning Ui Snotcbanlc) most noble 
colored Congressman, we should be pleased to hear you agitate 
the aged instrument you carry upon your shoulder blade. 

Sno\vba>'K, {mming foncard wUh chair ami banjo) Want dis yar 
chile to heab out a few bars ? Guess so— yes, yes ; I'll sing you a 
little psalm tew eddifycate yer intoolectooal systematic anatom- 
myies. 

{Tunes hanjo ami sin^s comic song. Enter Col. Tuba while he is singing, 
in a dilapidated comlitvon — toi'ii clothes, one eye hlacJced, and other band- 
agetl, leg bandaged, left arm- in sling, hat all gone but Hm ; icalHng mith 
hnrrible limps. dV. I 



28 DEADWOOl) DirK. 



Yuba, (UHtkin^ at andisn-ee) Alas! she found me. (Uiii/i.-ial>'*>t/,. ) 

(Stunrhani- Jinuhea hin nomj.) 

Cai.amity — Hurrah ! Now, then, let me take up a collection, 
a^ain— this tor the news-boys, bully boot-blacks and Half Dime 
novel readers of the town, (jimfies (iraKiui /lat and renioex a feir pen- 
nies.) Well, [couidinij them) 1 ^oi ten cents fat, by f^'olly. Oh I Je- 
rusalem ! what a flush crowd. (ImliJuib ontxide, imnmn'n '<n'eam., dr.) 
But, say — hold on ! what's the rip? {all riie and huh off, :{ L. K.) 
Homethinfj; ain't right, or my f2;uess is wrontx, Ua ! look at that, 
will you ? 

{Enter Farley and Gravyard Oeorge, draggintj Ethel heticeen tJiem, fo!^ 
laired by GuHth'ton. They release Etliet and hurl her off tincard Calamity.) 

Castleton— There, madam, you see resistance is quite useless, 
don't you, when you have me to deal Avith ? ll^a ! ha ! ha I 

Ethkl, (out ofh-eath) Villain ! monster ! 

Calamity, (waU-ituj np aw/ thmsti/i'/ p\st under Cui^tletort X none) Oh! 
you cuss, you billy-Koat. Just stej) out here and let Jiie flatten 
yer mug. I kin do it in jist one holy second, and don"t yer fergit 
it. I've smashed a dozen fellers better'n you in a single minit. 
afore now. 

Stranger, {rising and Htejqiing fonrard) Sir, {to Castleton) I de- 
mand an explanation of your ' treatment of this lady, who is 
nothing to you. What right have you to molest her ? 

Castlktox— The right, sir stranger, of a citizen of these United 
States and Territories, lliat woman, sir, is a murderess ! 

EthkIj, {pleailingty) Oh! no! no I no! no! It is not true, gen- 
tlemen—it is not true. Yonder villain, who claims to be the step- 
father of my late husband, has njade this terrible chai'ge against 
me partly because 1 refused to marry him. and imrtly to get me 
out of the way, in order to get possession of the Red Rock mine 
and my late husband's wealth. Oh ! do not believe him ; do not, 
I pray and beg of you, for 1 am innocent, as (rod is my judge. 

Strangkr — Who has this woman murdered, sir, that f ou pre- 
fer such a terrible charge 'i 

OastJjKTOa — ^ First may I inquire what business it is to you, sir? 

Strangkr, (folding arms) The business of one who always t-akes 
up arms in behalf of the weaker side ! 

Castleton, (laughs) Ha! ha ! So you're a defender of the wom- 
an's rights question, eh ? AVell, sir, if you desire to know, I have 
to inform you that yonder woman is the murderess of her hus- 
band, Fred Castleton. She was seeii to commit the crime by two 
companions and, myself, and we have brought her here to stand 
a hasty trial before being lynched. Moreover, she is a sister of 
the late outlaw. Deatlwood Dick, and deserves liauging for that 
alone. Are you satisfied, sir ? 

Stranger — By no means. You, sir, are a consummate rascal 
and a liar, and have run about to the end of your rope. l,sir. 



) 



DEADWOOD DICK. 39 

aiu Fred Castleton. alive and well ! {Removes leurd and hat and 
stands with folded arms. Ethel with a ei'y of joy rushes to his embrace.) 

Castleton. (leajdiuj hack aglmst) Ten thousand devils ! You 
alive and here ! 

Straxgkr — As you perceive, sir. Your devilish schemes have 
failed you and your companions in crime. 

Yuba, (ste'i>inng forward with labeled jmtoh, ditto Siiowlanh) I the 
name of the law, 1. Colonel Yank Yuba, Government spy and de- 
tective, arrest you, and also your comrades, for a string of bloody- 
handed crimes as long as you arm. Resistance is useless, and the 
quicker you surrender, the longer you'll have to pray before you 
dance on the tight-rope, {all draw weapons aiul cover the three villains.) 

Sno\vba>'K— i'as. dem's de solid facs ob de sittywation, fo' 
suah, sab. Wes de law — me an' Marse Yuba — an' wes goin' tew 
boot elibery sinner cl'ar out ob Jerusalem, sure's dar's har on a 
pole-possum's eye teeth, {leaves knife.) Blood ! Gore ! ! Coagulat- 
ed Crimson ! ! I 

Castleton r— This is infamovis. It is a gi'oss outi-age upon hon- 
orable citizens. 1 shall demand redress — satisfaction for the in- 
sult. 

Calamity, (taJci?ig Pete amle) Now, Dutchy, look out for a time, 
ril show you a trick with a hole in it. {goes tqi to Castleton and sluikes 
fist at him'} And so you want redress, do you — you, a coward and 
a craven. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Why, you miserable low-lived skunk, 
if you was ottered a chance to light for your liberty you wouldn't 
(.lurst accept. *•• 

Casti^eton, {fercely) You lie, girl, you lie ! I fear to fight no 
man. Were even 'the famous tiger, IJeadwood Dick to comedown 
from his eternal lair, I'd be only to glad to meet him in a duel to 
the death. 

{Enter Dick ha/'k centre E., witJk folded arms.) 

Dick, (coolly) Then, sir, you can be very happy if you choose, 
for Deadwood Dick's on deck ! 

Crowd, {all starting hack ami 'pointing at him, in cliorus) Deadwood 
Dick, the outlaw ! 

Yuba, {steppiing fanmrd) No! not Deadwood Dick the outlaw. 
A man who comes to life after hanging, has paid the penalty of 
his crimes, and is a free man whom no law of the continent can 
molest. Deadwood Dick was hanged, cut down, and thrust into 
a rough box for burial. I chanced along, found he was still alive, 
and carrying him from the portals of death, with the aid of Ca- 
lamity Jane, brought him back to life, a free man ! 

Dick — For which I owe a deeper debt of gratitude to you. Col- 
onel Yuba, and you. Calamity, than the debt of hatred the law 
ever owed me. {Goes forward and shakes haiuls inith Calamity and Yuha, 
also with EtJiel, Fred, Pete, Snotrhank, d-c.) And as for you, "Govern- 
or"' Castleton, as you call yourself, my debt to you is not cancel- 
ed. You said vou were not afraid to meet me. and vou shall 



:!0 DKADWOOl) DK'K. 

havi' the (•luiiu-e. You luivf been Ji litV-lmif;' villuin ami tut* to 
my family, and 1 am a man as stiuavc with foes as i am true to 
friends. If you wi.sh to settle a mutual tiTiiilt^«. I ^iio ready to do 
it in a fair way. (si/nijihoni/ innxic /n/orr/ifstra) (xot the dice cup from 
yonder barkeeper, and come to this table, (.s^//^ totuhlfl n. K.i 
Sliake them well, and leaii off. If you win, 1 will told my arms 
and you can draw your revolver and shoot me throufjch the heart. 
If 1 win. 1 am to have the same privilef^e, iMark you, 1 never 
had a dice cup iu my hand in my life, while you are an old pro- 
fessional ^rambler. Still. 1 am 'ready to accept the chances, to 
pay a debt. 

Castletox, ((joiiuj to Jxir) 1 \vill take you on that. If I win ?— 

Yuba—/, on my own responsibility, will pcive you two hours to 
t»et out of the town and escape. 

Ca.stlktox. {nimiiKj t'orirard irith r up) That suits me. Revenji'c 

and e.scape now li(^ ix'fore me. [ijiwh to tafAc, J)lch on r!f/fd'xi.th\ hcon 

left. croir(lh(t(l,-.) Here, my foe. take the cup, and lead— if you dare. 

'Dick. (shokiiKj dlrr) i never accept a dare. There, sir. (.s^/iW///.'/ 

illrc) count them ! 

UAST!>it:T()X, (xti'pjji/tg bad) Curses on your luck ! 

Pktk— Py shinniuny f?i'acious. und mine vife Katerina I Fife 
aces vid von flop, yoost so quicker ash dunder I 

CASTiiETOx — Your luck is good, and 1 will give you one horse ; 
but not the next, {shakes cup savagely, throws ilks three thnes). 11a! 
ha ! five sixes there are, you see ! 

Dick, {shaUmj) And five aces there^l hav*^ to be to beat tlieiu. 
ithrmrt) And there they are ! 

Castl-ETOX, (stag(jen/yj lack) Cui'ses on my. soul — I have lost I 
Goon, man, goon. Do your worst (overs face with ?m huiufs) at 
once. 

Dick — Not so, Ira Castleton. Although I won, 1 do not care to 
loose my citizen's rights again, by killing you. Instead. I sunvn- 
der you to Col. Yoba, who will act as your escort to Yankton, 
where sentence will be passed upon you. SuiTender, sir, to the 
Colonel. (Tuhahinds their Imiuh ami pushes them out 2 h. K., tJi^eiire- 
turnji.) 

Yuba — And, now, pilgrims, in celebration of the down fall of 
villainy, and the conversion by hanging, of a road-agent to a 
free and loyal brother, whose honor never shone brighter than 
now, 1 propose that we all indulge in flinging our heel. 

Calamity — Hurrah ! a dance. Come, Pretzels. 

{Music, all (lance hut Dick, who staiuts leanincj against 1 L. E., icith 
doft'edhat. Enter Nance nuth war-whoops; spies Yuha: priors him; cur- 
tain goes dawn, with her standing on top of him cracking whip and whooping . 
Snowiank waving knife ami yellin/j ^'(rore !" Cf-o/.-d in, chor>i.-< singing— 
mill at Kmnr time dancing— ^' We n-on'f go home till morning.") 



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